


Heart of Ice

by BettyHT



Series: Ellie [2]
Category: Bonanza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 11:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15884709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyHT/pseuds/BettyHT
Summary: Second of the Ellie stories:  as Adam remembers more, he deals with the moral issues of killing.  There are more situations that bring that into focus and force Ellie to face that violent aspect of the west.





	Heart of Ice

Heart of Ice

Chapter 1

Cold, it was so damn cold. Adam chuckled a little then imagining his father there looking sternly at him for his language. He was thinking perhaps he could talk a little more like Hoss so he could get away with dadblamed and dadburnit instead of his father's disapproval of what he considered to be his too frequent use of hell and damn. But, hell, it was damn cold and he hurt all over. Then he thought about that again and realized he hurt in about half the places he could hurt. His right arm and leg felt fine so whatever had done the damage must have come from the other side, because damn it to hell his left arm and left leg were hurting terribly. He chuckled again at his own language even though none of it was verbalized because his jaw and mouth hurt like hell too. He opened his mouth to let some snowflakes in and enjoyed the sweet moisture even if it wasn't much. Slowly he opened his eyes and blinked rapidly. It was dark but he could see a few snowflakes so he wasn't blinded although his headache let him know he had been hit hard enough on his head that it could have happened.

Carefully and slowly, Adam used his right arm to pull himself onto his right side to survey his situation. He was in the shelter of some large boulders that had been heated by the sun apparently and still held some warmth. He dragged himself and alternately pushed with his right leg until he had wedged himself further between the boulders. No more snow fell on him and soon it was over anyway. He pulled his legs up even though it hurt a lot to move his left leg but he needed to get himself into as compact a position as he could to conserve the body heat he had left. He hoped that dawn wasn't too far away. It could get unbearably hot in this high desert even at this time of year, but the nights could drop to freezing and obviously had. He shivered and breathed deeply with his head bowed so the warmed air blew over his hands and thighs. It was all he could do, but he knew he needed to survive for his brothers' lives probably depended on that. To stay awake, he replayed the scenes of the previous few days and how he had ended up in this predicament. That was too unpleasant for the time being though so he recalled more warming memories.

Christmas had been so much more exciting than it had been for the previous eight years. He had spent all those previous Christmas days alone or with near strangers. There had been no warm body lying next to him in bed warming his heart and his desire. Leaning on his elbow, he had looked down at his wife as she slept on Christmas morning. He recalled everything that had happened leading up to that moment and then after. Elizabeth Warren Hastings had agreed to be his wife. He remembered his father's look when he realized that Ellie's name was actually Elizabeth and she was from Boston. From that point though, the similarities to his mother ended. Ellie was strong although half a foot shorter than Adam. She was a professional who had been working part-time as a doctor until winter and a wedding had confined her to the Ponderosa. Although she had never been with a man before Adam, she became an enthusiastic participant in lovemaking so much that they had made the downstairs guest room theirs so that their noises wouldn't disturb the rest of the family. The basic structure of a house for them was already done on Ponderosa land nearer to town, and they would finish it in spring. At least that had been the plan. He remembered her talking about the house on Christmas morning.

"Won't it be lovely to have our own house? On mornings like this, we could go snuggle in front of the Christmas tree, sipping our tea, and eating cookies."

"We could do that here."

"Yes, but in my fantasy, we don't get dressed first."

Adam had to laugh when she talked like that. "For someone who had no idea what to do a few days ago, you certainly have become very bold. I like that. We could snuggle here, and then go out and have cookies and sip tea in front of the tree."

"Next year can we make love by the Christmas tree? It would be so beautiful."

"Sweetheart, when I'm with you, I wouldn't notice the tree."

"Oh, I meant afterwards."

Leaning down, Adam had kissed his wife until she giggled. "Why are you giggling?"

"Your chest hair tickles me."

"And what would you like me to do about that?"

"Ah, tickle me some more, all over."

Tickling had nearly sent him over the edge literally a day earlier when they went to get a tree with Joe, Hoss, and Jamie. They took the sleigh and as usual Hoss and Joe could not agree on a tree. Adding to the dilemma, Ellie didn't agree with either of them. Jamie wisely kept his opinion to himself. Standing next to Ellie who had picked out a tree that was pretty but would look like a dwarf in the great room of the Ponderosa ranch house, Adam did say what he was thinking. "Joe your tree is too tall. We'd have to cut ten feet off of it just to get it in the door. Ellie, yours is too short. Hoss, I think your tree is just right."

Because Ellie pouted a little with that, Adam wrapped an arm around her and tickled her with the other hoping to break any bad mood she might be slipping into. She did laugh, and he stopped, but then she shoved him backwards and down the slope. Unfortunately falling backwards with his head downslope, he couldn't stop and slid at least twelve feet down. When he put out an arm to get some leverage, he sank deeper into the soft snow. It seemed only Hoss recognized the danger.

"Adam, don't move. I'll get the rope and pull you up outta there."

Using the rope they had brought along to drag the tree home, Hoss made a loop and tossed it to Adam who was able to work it down around his chest. Once it was secured, Hoss and Joe pulled and got Adam back up the slope to the level ground where the sleigh sat. He was covered in snow and a lot had gone up his pant legs and under his coat. He started shivering almost immediately. Hoss told him to get in the sleigh and under the quilt and blanket they had along.

"Now get them wet clothes off of ya first before you get the blankets wet too."

Boots, pants, jacket, and shirt were quickly removed and then Adam dropped into the back of the sleigh and pulled the blanket and quilt over and around him but continued shivering.

"Now, there's just one thing left to do to help him. Someone has to strip down and get under there with him to warm him up." Three sets of eyes turned toward Ellie.

"No, this must be some sort of Cartwright joke. You don't really think I'm undressing in front of all of you."

One look at Hoss and Ellie thought he did in fact want her to do that. "Nah, your clothes are mostly dry. Get under them blankets and then take off your jacket and such. Adam needs some warmth and you're the best bet for somebody he won't mind snuggling up with. Keep your clothes with ya under there. You can spread your jacket over the two of you and that'll help too."

When they arrived home, Ellie quickly pulled on her clothing while still under the blanket. Adam picked up his wet clothing, and while still wrapped in the blankets, headed for the washroom.

Ben stood and waited for an explanation for the bizarre behavior and was laughing uproariously by the time Hoss and Joe finished telling the story. In the washroom, Adam was stepping into a warm bath and thought they were getting far too much entertainment from his misery. So on Christmas morning when Ellie asked him to tickle her all over, he had to ask.

"You're not pushing me over the side if I do, are you?"

Ben was the first downstairs and was walking to get a cup of coffee when he heard the laughter. Then as he exited the kitchen, he noticed how quiet it seemed and smiled, contented that he finally had a son married and happy. Then he sat in the red chair and waited for Joe to come racing down the stairs as he did every Christmas. If anyone was made for Christmas, it was Joe who was as delighted as a boy every Christmas. He always wanted to be the one who handed out the gifts that were stacked under the tree. Like a large elf, he handled those duties with aplomb and his enthusiasm was contagious. Christmas had been exciting and enlightening. All the presents had been handed out when Joe brought the last one to Adam who presented it to his bride. He had asked Joe to hold it until all the other gifts were handed out and opened. Ellie was excited and opened the paper and then the velvet box as excitement grew. However then she started crying and buried her head in Adam's chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her as everyone else waited in worry over what had caused her to be so upset. Finally she turned to the others and smiled with a teary look. She held up her gift. It was a golden necklace from which dangled an angel pendant with a ruby on one wing and a sapphire on the other.

"My mother's name was Ruby and my father's favorite color was blue. Adam got me this to remember my parents."

"I was going to give it to you to wear on our wedding day for something new and something blue, but then I worried that you might react just this way so I held it back for today."

Over the next two months, the extended family Cartwright got to see how Adam and Ellie were developing their relationship as husband and wife. In the evenings, they read together as Adam's reading continued to improve. Ben still marveled at the fact that his college educated and well-read son had to learn to read all over again. Ellie said it was evidence that his lack of memory was probably due to a small stroke as well as possible brain damage.

There were memories Adam didn't retrieve as he continued to recover his memory as a whole, but most of those seemed to be things that no one wanted to push him to remember. He didn't remember killing Sam Board and losing Regina as a result. He didn't remember that his good friend Ross had killed his own wife and then Adam had killed him. Adam carried two scars from those incidents and Ellie had asked about them. He didn't remember and told her perhaps it was best if he didn't remember. He didn't remember being held captive, abused, and used as a beast of burden in the desert by Kane who seemed to want to drive Adam to kill him. No one in the family wanted to remind him of that time. He seemed to have vague recollections of Sue Ellen Terry and Ruth, but no memory at all of Regan. Ellie suspected that there was an emotional component to these memory deficits, but after talking with Ben, Hoss, and Joe who filled her in on more of Adam's story, she told them it might be best if they didn't push him on those memories which might never come back.

Overall the winter passed pleasantly enough. There were nights spent singing or playing games like chess and checkers. There were repairs made to the buildings, and lots of work done on harness and saddles as well as other tack. Horses had to be groomed and exercised. There were all the chores that had to be done on a daily basis, and some that were a result of the weather such as clearing snow from the roofs, and shoveling open paths to the necessary and to the woodpile. Ellie worked on getting some sewing done as she replaced the curtains in their room, and made some napkins for the table. Most importantly for Adam and Ellie, they worked on what they wanted to do to finish their house and on lists of things they would need in order to live there. Travel was too difficult usually for Ellie to leave to help Doctor Martin but there was less demand in the winter as well as activities diminished all over the area. Adam did take her in the sleigh to help two women birth their babies, and he had been so impressed by her skills not only in delivering babies but in dealing with nervous fathers and scared siblings. Despite all the activity, everyone was relieved when spring arrived early. Except that's when the bickering started.

It didn't help of course that Will decided to bring the family for a visit about that time. Laura expected to be able to use the downstairs guestroom and was put out that Adam and Ellie were using it. When she found out that Ellie was also working a few days a week, she made her disapproval of Adam's wife all too apparent. Peggy seemed oblivious to it all and happy to be back with Adam and his family at least for a short time. Ben talked with them quite a lot during the day while Adam and Ellie were at the new house and Joe and Hoss were out making repairs to fence lines damaged in the winter storms and early spring run-off.

"Ben, when we heard Adam was back, we were shocked. Laura wanted to come right away but I thought a bit of time for him to get settled in would make more sense. I had no idea he was getting married."

"Will, Adam settled back in rather quickly, and the wedding was at Christmas so no out of town guests were invited because of the difficulties of travel at that time of year. Will, is everything all right between the two of you? Laura seems very unhappy about everything."

"That's just it, Uncle. She is unhappy about everything. It seems that I can't do anything right as far as she is concerned. Our house isn't big enough, our friends aren't of a high enough rank, and so on. I'm guessing Adam is feeling pretty lucky these days. She was so looking forward to this trip. I have a sneaking suspicion that some of her unhappiness was in finding that Adam was married. Now she seems to want to find a reason why that should not be a happy conclusion for him."

"He is happy, but that should not be a concern for Laura. He moved on with that a long time ago. There are some unpleasant things in his past he doesn't remember, but he remembers all about Laura, and I believe he has told Ellie about what happened as well."

"Well, that would explain the looks we've gotten from the good doctor. I don't think she'll mind at all when we leave. However, if Laura keeps making those snide remarks, I get the feeling there's going to be a doozy of fight here either between Laura and Ellie or between Adam and Laura."

"Can you get Laura to tone down those remarks especially about Ellie not being a lady by being a doctor and working? I know that irritates both Adam and his wife."

"I can try, Uncle, but Laura will likely just find something else to harp on then."

"Ellie can hold her own in a dispute. Don't forget she's married to Adam and it takes quite a woman to stand up to him."

"Adam doesn't seem the same. He looks good and he seems happy, but some of that old fierceness seems to be lacking."

"He is different and yet the same. It could be that he has lived a different kind of life for most of the last eight years, and he doesn't remember some of the tougher times he had or we had."

"I guess that would explain it. Is he ever going to remember or did that typhoid take some memories away forever?"

"Ellie thinks there's an emotional reason in addition to the physical because it's the mostly unpleasant things, the things that he felt so bad about, that he doesn't remember. Will, for some reason, I get the feeling that Laura is jealous of Ellie. Now that's silly of course because she's married to you."

"Not so silly. I wondered why Laura pushed so hard to have us come see Adam. I'm beginning to wonder if she thought there was some hope of mending fences with him. Once she found out he was already married though, she got very upset."

"This cannot end well."

"No, Uncle, that's my conclusion as well."

The altercation didn't take long to occur. Laura greeted Ellie and Adam on their return with one of her classic snipes, and Ellie had had enough.

"Laura, you need to learn some ladylike manners if you intend to be a guest in this house again."

"Well, I don't think I need to take lessons on etiquette from a woman who works as a doctor with all those filthy things a doctor has to do, and then goes riding in pants astride a horse. Those are certainly not things a real lady would do."

"Well, let me see. I don't go around accepting the attentions of one man after having promised to marry another. I don't surprise him and cause him to have an injury and then keep seeing the other man anyway. I know that etiquette is treating other people with respect which you seem incapable of doing."

"Well, I never."

"And somehow that doesn't surprise me either. Your nasty little comments about Adam and me being together would seem to indicate an unnatural antipathy toward normal marital relations."

Ben encouraged both Will and Adam to intervene, but both shook their heads and refused. They were not about to step in between these two unless it came to blows which was unlikely. They did trade facial expressions at the barbs being thrown, and at the last one, Will gave a thumbs up to Adam which seemed to indicate he agreed with Ellie. Laura saw that and started in on Will. Ellie walked to Adam and looked up to see if he was angry, but he looked more amused than anything. Ben however looked furious making Ellie wince. She knew that she was going to have to work on an apology for him. Not surprisingly, Will and Laura decided to leave the next day. Even though some grudging apologies had been given, the animosity was palpable.

For Ben who thought peace would reign in the house then, there was disappointment. Joe and Hoss who had been doing the fence repairs began to prepare for the spring round-up which Adam intended to skip as he had the fence repairs. He was busy finishing his new house and needed time to work on it. Both Hoss and Joe objected and there were daily snipes about that until Ben demanded to know at dinner one night what it would take to satisfy his two middle sons.

"Well he could help with rounding up some mustangs for the contracts we have, and we have the spring drive coming up too."

Accepting that he would have to pitch in more to keep the peace, Adam threw out an olive branch. "Which of those do you want me to do?"

In a chorus, Hoss and Joe answered. "Both!"

Seeing how disgruntled his brothers were, Adam agreed but with one condition. "I need a couple of days to finish the house while you finish the round-up. Then if you could help me move our stuff over there, Ellie can take care of most of the organizing. I do want someone to stay there with her. The stable has a room, and I was hoping to hire someone to take care of things there while I'm gone. Is there someone you could recommend for that job?"

Because catching the mustangs was only expected to take a week to ten days, Adam was convinced that he should postpone the move to the new house until he got back from that when the weather would be better too. He agreed although he had been excited to move to his own home. Ellie saw that but told him it was all right with her because she would rather move into their new home together. So it was all set, and the following Monday, the three brothers set off on a trek to catch some mustangs.

Chapter 2

Not recalling being separated from Adam for more than a day since she had met him, Ellie was feeling very lonely as she watched her husband of only a few months ride away. She turned and went back into the house to get her bag. She had several women she should see for with the winter snows, she had not seen them in two months. Hop Sing packed a lunch for her, and she left within an hour with a map drawn by her father-in-law and an admonition that if at any time, if she wasn't sure where she was, she was to backtrack and get home safely. He would be able to send Jamie with her to any destination she was unable to reach. The day went well except she couldn't find the cutoff to her last patient and was frustrated that she had to return home and ask for help. Ben smiled.

"My dear, you did better than I expected. None of these women live near main roads, and you did well to find the three you did. Tomorrow, Jamie will go with you to call on the last one on your list. If there's any other help you need with anything, do not hesitate to ask. My son would never forgive me if I didn't take good care of you while he was gone."

That nearly caused tears as Ellie took her leave and went to freshen up after all the travel. She had been so busy during the day that she had not had time to miss Adam, but now she did feel his absence and wondered how she would be able to sleep. She did smile as she remembered that only a few months earlier, she slept alone every night as she had since she was a child, but the last few months with Adam by her side and often holding her made her feel safer and more secure than she could remember.

On the trail, Adam was still getting sniped at by his brothers who made him constantly aware that they felt he had not been pulling his fair share of work. He wondered if they were angry at him because he had been gone for years or only angry that in the last few weeks, he had been spending a lot of time working on his new house. It turned out to be a little of each of these and something else too. Apparently they needed to unburden themselves of their anger so Adam decided to confront them before he lost his temper and said some things he wouldn't be able to take back. As they made camp after riding until darkness prevented any more progress, and each did some of the necessary tasks, he decided it was time.

"Do either or both of you want to just say what's on your mind and tell me why you're so mad at me?"

Finding that it was easier to snipe than to confront their older brother, both Hoss and Joe were quiet for a time. Finally it was Hoss who started it and surprised Adam. "Reckon we just got you back and now you're leaving again. Didn't understand why you left the first time, and don't know that you leaving this time makes that much sense to me either."

"Hoss, I can't answer the first part of that. I don't remember why I left the first time. I know I traveled a lot and maybe that was it, but I have to say I probably didn't handle that leaving very well if you're still upset about it. I tried to talk to Pa about it, but he says it's in the past and should stay there so that told me too that I didn't handle it well, I guess."

"You really don't remember leaving?"

"Not at all. I remember some of the things that happened before I left. I'm guessing that probably the situation with Laura and Will might have been part of it. That makes sense to me, but I just don't remember anything that made it happen when it did."

"Well, what about now? It's been so good for all of us especially Pa to have you at the table for dinner, and to play chess or do some singing." Joe didn't like the upheaval that was going to occur just when it seemed everything had been going so well.

"Joe, Pa knows why and even suggested the solution so that Ellie could continue her work."

"Yeah, but the two of you manipulated him into that idea. He would never have told you to build that house except he was worried that Ellie might leave, and all he wants is for you to be happy."

"And this is what will make me happy. I need to trust my wife and support her. She feels a great need to work. I pulled her out here to a completely new life, and the least I can do is support her as she tries to make a place for herself in this country. If the ranch house was closer to town, we wouldn't need to move. We could have added on the house, but Ellie has to be able to get to town, and the lower elevation of the house and closer proximity to town and the main roads is what she needed."

"But did you have to go so far away?"

"Both of you can visit any time you want. We are on the way to town so every time you pass by, you could consider dropping in." That invitation seemed to mollify them, and the complaint that he hadn't been working hard enough disappeared because it was only that they resented the work he had been doing because it meant he would be leaving that much sooner. Each of the brothers needed to get used to the idea that they could live within miles of each other and still be close. "Whenever either of you get married, would you want to keep living with Pa?"

Answering negatively almost before Adam finished the sentence, Joe had to smile at Adam's ingenuity. "You knew my answer before you asked the question, didn't you? I get it."

Hoss had a different view. "I don't know. I think I'd like to stay in the house. I like it there, and any woman that I would marry would likely be the type to like it too."

"Hoss, you just can't stomach the thought of moving away from Hop Sing's cooking." That earned Joe a scowl and a large pine cone thrown his way making him topple backwards over a log. Giggling, he got back up. "That about proves it. If that wasn't true, why did you react like that?"

"All right, so I like good cooking. Is there anything wrong with that? But I think I would like to see Pa in the morning and at night for as long as I can." That sobered up all three brothers. "Maybe we can agree that even if we move out into our own homes, we'll meet at the house in the morning whenever we can, have some coffee together, and plan what we're gonna do?"

Knowing it was a concession his brothers needed and something that was quite appealing to him as well, Adam agreed. From that point on, the rest of the evening went well especially because they also had Hop Sing's cooking for their first meal. Thick ham slices heated in a skillet, biscuits, and a bottle of spiced fruit. After dinner, Adam poured the grease from the skillet into the bottle. They could use it to fry up some potatoes for breakfast. Then he cleaned up the skillet and plates as his brothers saw to the horses. Soon they were sitting around a campfire thinking that life was very good. In the trees, though, there were several sets of eyes watching them and waiting for them to sleep. In the morning of their second day on the trail, the three brothers awakened in the chill that the sun had not yet burned off. Adam set out what he would need to make breakfast and grabbed the coffee pot to go get some water to make coffee. His brothers' yells brought him back at a run with his pistol drawn.

"Somebody done took our horses!" Hoss couldn't believe that the three mounts were gone and none of them had heard anything. They were barely off Ponderosa property on a high plateau. Looking at the ground where the horses had been tied, he saw moccasin prints and something more. "They wrapped leather around the hooves and probably had cloth around their muzzles so they wouldn't make any noise. They must have been watching us and waiting for the chance."

None of them relished the long walk back to the Ponderosa and the embarrassment of losing their horses. Joe and Hoss were especially upset because they had lost the horses with whom they had long tern relationships, Cochise and Chubb. They wanted to follow the tracks, but sensibly, Adam advised against it. They began to pack up what they would need to take with them, and what they could retrieve later. Saddles and such were stacked and covered with a slicker. Saddle bags were packed with the food they had as well as ammunition. They filled their canteens and prepared for the walk home. Just when they thought the day couldn't get any worse, it did. Four trappers walked out of the woods carrying heavy loads of furs. The three brothers greeted them and prepared to be hospitable until the four men drew weapons on them.

"We need your horses. Damn Injuns stole ours a couple days ago." The spokesman for the trappers was a big burly man almost as big as Hoss but without his front teeth and had lots of greasy long hair as well as a thick black beard.

"Well then, mister, you're out a luck. They took ours last night." Hoss stood toe to toe with the man.

"Well, we need some help carrying these furs. We ain't gonna leave any of them out here. They cost too much to get and they're worth too much."

"Sorry, mister but we can't help ya."

Both Joe and Adam got nervous watching the four men grin because they knew it didn't mean anything good for them. The man ordered them to drop their gunbelts and back away from them. Their gunbelts and rifles were collected by two of the men as the other two held guns on them. Finally the lead man spoke again.

"We've had slaves before. Now a course they was Injuns but you'll do just as well and maybe better. At least you'll know what we're saying when we tell ya to do something."

Grabbing Joe by the arm before he said something rash, Adam tried to bargain. "We're all from the Ponderosa. If you help us get back there, we'll pay you what these furs are worth plus a bonus. We'll make it worthwhile for you."

Thinking for just s short time, the leader shook his head. "We ain't got no way of being sure of that. You could just be saying that, and when we get there, you could sic the law on us. No, we'll go with my plan."

Two of the men began redistributing the furs into three piles. All of the food, water, and weaponry was apparently going to be carried by the four trappers with the three Cartwrights carrying the furs. The day was long and trying because even at this time of year, the sun could heat up these high plateaus quickly. They got a break in the early afternoon and then were forced to march carrying their loads until darkness stopped the group. Each of the brothers was given a plate of beans to eat and a canteen of water to share. Hoss didn't like the way things were developing.

"Adam, I think they mean to kill us before this is done."

Nodding, Adam watched Joe for signs that he would react loudly to that, but Joe looked at Hoss and then at Adam before responding. "What are we going to do?"

"Somehow, we need to get at least one of us away from here. If we can do that, then they won't kill the other two because there would be a witness and they'd hang."

"How do we get one of us away?" Joe was ready to plan.

"We need a diversion. Something to grab their attention."

The three brothers were told to be quiet and were then separated. It was clear the leader of this group of trappers was an intelligent man. He would not let the three brothers be together to talk again because it was too dangerous. Two more days of walking and the three brothers were becoming exhausted. Walking was not something that cowboys did on a regular basis especially all the hard miles of walking they were doing out here. On the fourth morning, the leader made an error when Adam asked for spoons for them to eat their meagre meal.

"Boy, you ain't getting how this game is played. I make the rules and you follow em. It's what a mule does. And that's all you people are, mules, beasts of burden. Now play the game like good little mules and eat with your paws. Play the game."

When he said that last word again, Adam screamed and charged him. All Adam heard was a roar in his head. He grabbed the man by the throat and toppled him over. He yelled 'No more games, no more games!' until he was clubbed up side his head and pulled from the leader's throat. Hoss and Joe had meant to rush in to help but a rifle pointed at them stopped them. The leader stood up shakily and then kicked Adam repeatedly in the left side. Hoss yelled at him to stop.

"Why should I stop? The bastard tried to kill me."

"Cause ifn you kill our brother, we ain't carrying nothing for you."

"He's your brother? You three don't look nothing like brothers. Your mama a whore or something like that?"

Then it was Hoss' turn to grab Joe to make sure he didn't charge. Adam was laying unmoving on the ground. Hoss didn't want to see another brother laying there hurt and maybe even killed. He could see Adam's chest rising and falling so he knew he was alive.

"Let me help him."

"Nope, he made his decision. You two pick up them packs of furs. We're heading out of here. We still got three days of walking to get where we can sell these furs." Addressing his partners, the man told them to each take a share of the furs Adam had been carrying. When Joe and Hoss objected, the leader pointed his pistol at Adam's head. "You carry or he dies. It's as simple as that."

"Ifn you leave him here, he could die anyway."

"Well, if you believe in God, you could pray, and maybe he'll have mercy on him and let him live. It's the only chance he's got unless you want me to put him out of his misery right now."

"Leave him a canteen then, at least. We don't need em all."

"You pick up them furs, and I'll leave a canteen for him. Now go."

With glances at Adam making sure nothing more happened to him, Hoss and Joe picked up their heavy loads and began to move out. They halted when the leader gave Adam one last kick in the leg but moved on again when the man laughed and then walked toward them leaving Adam laying where he was. It was late that night when Adam awakened completely and found himself alone and hurt. Each time he had awakened since the men had left, memories had been pouring back in causing him to be dazed and exhausted and making him lose consciousness repeatedly with the severe headaches that overwhelmed him. He remembered Kane and being held in the desert, forced to labor and treated as a beast of burden. He remembered killing his best friend, Ross, and killing Sam Board as well. More and more he remembered killing people until he wondered what kind of man he was. How could one man have killed so many and never gone to prison or the gallows was a recurring question in his thoughts. But the most important thoughts were about what he could do to find his brothers and rescue them for he too suspected that they would be killed when they were no longer useful. He was sure that they thought he would have died here by now, and in many ways, he was lucky to still be alive. No predators had shown up, and he had not died of the cold finding the most meagre of shelter which had luckily been enough.

In his boot, Adam still had a small knife. It wouldn't have helped them much against four men with firearms, but now he was thinking it could work well as a weapon in an ambush if he could isolate one from the others. With any additional luck, he might be able to get the man's firearm as well. He began looking for a stout stick he could use for a spear. He had some leather he could cut from his belt to create a spear. He began walking following the tracks that were easily seen for the men did not expect to be followed. They had a day's lead on him but with those heavy packs, he could cover more in a day than men carrying probably one hundred and fifty pounds of furs on their backs. He found a good stick for a spear and stripped the bark from it as he walked. He used the knife to cut notches in the end where he could attach the knife exposing the blade for maximum penetration. He filled his canteen when he came across a stream and ignored the pain in his leg as much as he could. He had looked at his leg and determined that it was severe bruising probably from being kicked. He doubted if he could run very far, but forced himself to keep a good pace while walking. He had nothing to eat, but had survived worse so that didn't bother him.

That night Adam found a sheltered location and built a small campfire by using a piece of flint he had found as he walked. He used the fire to keep warm and used it as well to harden the wood of his spear. By the next morning, he had a very serviceable weapon. By noon of the second day, he saw the group up ahead of him. He was on the top of a low ridge but was high enough to see them in the distance. It was hard to measure miles, but he thought he could easily overtake them by nightfall. Under cover of darkness, Adam was able to get very close to the men's camp. He knew that his attack on any of the trappers would alert the others to his presence so the attack had to be successful for to rescue his brothers, he needed to get a firearm. He watched and waited. He was angry as he saw his brothers who looked exhausted and obviously had been hit probably to force them to work harder. Adam let the anger smolder giving him the strength to stay awake and wait for his opportunity.

On the Ponderosa, Winnemucca and several of his men showed up at the front door of the ranch house. They were riding horses and leading Sport, Chubb, and Cochise. Ben was shocked and afraid when he opened the door to see them there in the fading light.

"Ben Cartwright, we traded to get these horses from Bannock boys who went to prove their manhood by stealing horses from white men. They did not know that the Cartwrights are friends. We return your horses."

"Chief Winnemucca, I thank you for the horses, but what do you know of my sons?"

"The youth said they left them afoot but unharmed. They slept as their horses were taken."

Relieved at that, Ben thanked Winnemucca and offered him cattle as payment for his services. The chief was very happy to accept the ten cattle, and all were pleased with the outcome. Jamie and Candy were standing with Ben and he asked them to show the chief where there were cattle he could take with him. Then he went inside to tell Ellie what had happened. She had had a long day and had fallen asleep on the settee. Ben awakened her and explained what they knew which scared her.

"It's all right, my dear. I'm sure they are quite angry, but we'll head out with their horses tomorrow. They'll have sore feet and nothing else."

Reassured but still worried, Ellie went to bed hoping that Ben would consent to letting her ride along the next day. She wouldn't ask until the morning limiting the time he had to think of a reason or reasons she shouldn't go.

 

Chapter 3

In the darkness of the high plateau north of the Ponderosa, Adam lay in wait for one of the trappers. One came to do his business but didn't have his pistol with him. Because he was unarmed, he lived. As it came time to sleep, one of the other trappers walked into the woods to relieve himself. He had untied his pistol from his leg but still had it strapped on. For that he would die. Adam waited until he loosened his gunbelt and then began unbuttoning his fly. He used his spear and slammed it into the man's midsection. He grunted and then grabbed at his abdomen as if to keep the arterial spurts from leaving before he fell back into the pine needles. Adam hurriedly removed his gunbelt and rushed to leave but as quietly as he could.

"Jace, Jace, that you out there making that noise? Jace, answer me, wouldja? Tom, you go find out what's wrong with Jace."

"I ain't going out there alone. You know there's Injuns around here, and they don't like us none."

"All right, all right. Mal, you go with him. Take a stick from the fire to give yourselves some light. I'll stay here and guard the furs. Could be they're trying to get us to go out in the woods and then they'll steal our furs."

It didn't take long for the two men to return. "Jace is dead. Looks like he got knifed or speared. Tore him up something fierce. His pistol is gone too. Still got his hair but we figure you yelling out like that made those thieving Injuns run."

"Damn! Well we need to take turns staying awake tonight. Two of us will sleep by the furs where we'll be safe, and the other one can use those rocks as cover and keep watch."

The three trappers were convinced that their unseen enemy was a band of local Indians. Hoss caught Joe's eye when the trappers weren't looking and saw the small smile he had. Hoss returned it. He too thought that was Adam out there. Now they had to wait to see what his next move would be. They had to wait a long time.

Retreating far enough that the trappers wouldn't follow, Adam sat down and used leaves and dirt to scrub at the blood on his arms and hands. His dark clothing hid the bloodstains. Adam was breathing fast and his heart was hammering. He had killed another human being. It had been so easy, and he had wanted to do it. However now he was wracked with guilt and regret. He tried to sleep but was awakened repeatedly by nightmares featuring men he had killed. The images in his mind would give him no rest. He rose up on his knees and sat rocking back and forth for a long time holding his head and then fell forward as oblivion claimed him again.

If the trappers had looked for Adam the next morning at first light, they would have found him as helpless as a sleeping baby. However, the trappers wanted to cover as much distance as possible before night fell again thinking that they would be distancing themselves from Indians they assumed were after the furs they had. They didn't even bother to bury Jace but left him where he had fallen. They were too burdened to carry everything so they left the saddlebag he had been carrying as well as his blanket.

When Adam awoke, the sun was high enough that he realized he had probably lost a couple of hours of travel time. He was cold and hungry as well as exhausted by his ordeal. He couldn't rest though or hunt because he believed his brothers' lives were in danger. He headed toward the trappers' camp to track them. He had to smile a little even in his misery when he found a blanket and a saddlebag that had some jerky and hard tack in it. He gnawed on some of that and drank water as he followed the trail out of the camp. By midday he climbed to a ridge and again spotted the group ahead of him by only about a half mile. He planned to get ahead of them where they wouldn't expect him and try to get rid of another trapper. He felt anguish when he realized he planned to kill again, but he knew if he confronted the trappers, they would use his brothers as a shield and all three of them were likely to die. Killing the trappers one by one was the only plan he could think of that left his brothers and himself alive. He picked up his blanket, canteen, and saddlebag and headed out on a line meant to get him ahead of the trappers without being seen.

On the Ponderosa, there had been a lively exchange between Ellie and Ben that morning. She was insisting that she should ride with them especially as they might need some medical attention. She had a feeling that there was more wrong than just the three men losing their horses and having to walk. Ben disagreed and said that she would likely slow them down. She argued that she had been practicing her riding for months and was much better. Finally Jamie suggested that if they included Ellie in the group, he would ride with her if she fell behind. Candy looked at Ben and nodded. It was a good compromise. So after an early and quick breakfast, the four of them headed out carrying provisions and leading the three horses that had been stolen from the brothers. They found the first camp easily after two days of hard riding. They still had several hours so they pushed on and found where the men walking had made the next camp. It hadn't taken too much to figure out what had happened. Now the biggest concern was that somewhere along the way, the seven had become six and no one knew what had happened to the other man.

The next morning as early as they could see where they were going, Ben and Candy led them on the trail again. There wasn't much talking and what there was consisted mainly of Jamie talking to Ellie about what she had to be ready to do if there was any kind of fighting or even a confrontation.

"You need to get behind some cover and stay there. You don't have experience in this kind of thing and Pa needs you to be safe. I'll help you, but please keep your head down and let Pa and Candy decide what we're going to do. They'll know best."

That night they found the camp where Jace's body lay. It had been mutilated by predators and scavengers, but there was certainly enough there for them to see it wasn't one of the Cartwrights. Ellie had seen all sorts of awful things as a doctor but had never seen anything as awful as what had been done to Jace's body. She staggered away from the sight and vomited. Ben asked Candy and Jamie to bury the body under rocks, and then he walked over to Ellie.

"You shouldn't be out here. Adam is going to be furious to know that you saw that."

"That was awful, but I'm still glad I'm here. Adam and his brothers may need my help. You know that too now, don't you? Something bad could happen to any of them."

"Ellie, if all goes well for us, we should catch up to them tomorrow. They're walking and appear to be carrying a lot of weight. Based on how that dead man was dressed, I'm guessing that they're mountain men, fur trappers. They can be a wild and unruly bunch. I heard what Jamie was telling you today. I need to know that you accept that and will do as directed tomorrow. If not, I'll send you back with Jamie in the morning."

Nodding, Ellie looked up at Ben letting him know she would follow instructions. None of them slept well, and in the morning were anxious to get going with the first light of dawn. They rode out as soon as they could and began to eat up the miles because they were traveling light and by horseback while the men up ahead were walking, burdened with hundreds of pounds of furs, and nearly exhausted at this point. Up ahead, Adam was preparing to make his move too. Even though they were many miles apart, the sound of a gunshot carried in the early morning. One might have been mistaken for something else, but then they heard volleys of shots and began a race to get to where the shooting was.

The trappers had watched behind them the day before and occasionally one of them would walk to a high point of land to watch. They never saw anyone pursuing them. They began to make an effort to obliterate their tracks thinking their pursuers had lost track of them. That night when they made camp, they did not make a fire. They tied up Hoss and Joe though which they had not done before. All three trappers were exhausted and didn't want to have to stay up and guard the two men. However they put Hoss and Joe in a spot that made it impossible for Adam to get to them. He had hoped he could get close enough to free one or both but that plan wouldn't work. Instead he had moved to where he thought they would go the next day and set up an ambush.

When the trappers began to move out that morning, they were single file with one in the lead, then Hoss and Joe carrying their loads, and then the other two trappers behind. Joe was staggering with the weight and it was clear he would not be able to finish the day even though his load was much smaller than that carried by his bigger brother. The trappers were carrying some of the furs as well but in very small loads. Adam sighted in on the first man and fired. He dropped almost immediately with a wound to his thigh that was bleeding profusely. Adam moved almost as soon as he shot which was a smart move because the other two trappers fired repeatedly into the spot where he had been. He fired again from the second position he had chosen and hit the smaller of the two men. Joe had dropped his pack and gotten away into the brush. Hoss had not been able to because the leader had moved behind him for cover almost immediately. Suddenly Adam had Joe beside him.

"How do we get Hoss free?"

"You take the pistol. If you get a shot, take it. I'm going down to try to distract him. There's only four more shells in the pistol so don't waste a shot."

Working his way down and making just enough noise to let the leader know he was coming, Adam stepped out of cover and called to him.

"You? You're supposed to be dead."

"Well, I'm not, but you will be if you don't let my brother go."

"You don't even have a gun. Why should I worry about you?"

"Because someone else has my pistol now, and you're facing two of us here. Shoot either one of us and the other will be all over you, and there's still my other brother with the pistol."

"So we have a stand-off. You can't do anything or I shoot this one. So how about I just leave here and you don't follow?"

"I can live with that."

"Tell your little brother not to shoot."

Adam had hoped he would forget about Joe but he hadn't. He yelled for Joe not to fire as long as the man did not threaten any of them. Backing up slowly with his weapon trained on Hoss, the leader reached cover and turned to flee. Hoss chased him as Adam yelled for him to stop. HOss grabbed the man, and they began wrestling. Adam picked up the weapon that Hoss had knocked from the leader's hands. The big man was a good match for Hoss any day, but Hoss was weak with lack of food and having been exhausted by the heavy loads he had carried for days. As the leader got the upper hand in the wrestling, he pulled a knife but before he could use it, his head exploded and blood sprayed Hoss' face and arms. He pushed the dead man aside and stood up to see Adam standing there with the shotgun in his hands.

"Thank ya, Adam. I wasn't so sure I could take him once we started wrassling, and when he got that knife out, I thought I might be a goner for sure."

Hoss couldn't understand the look that Adam had. He looked more like he would have been expected to look if one or both of his brothers had been wounded or killed. Joe came down and slapped Adam on the shoulder with a simple thank you. Adam didn't respond and both Hoss and Joe took a good look at him. He wasn't hurt, and yet he stood there silent and unmoving. Hoss motioned to Joe that they should take care of the wounded men. The man with the thigh wound was in very bad shape. Hoss tied a tourniquet on the man's leg, but knew he needed medical care soon if he was to survive. That was unlikely and they both knew it. Joe took care of the man with the chest wound. He was actually in better shape. The bullet had passed through and missed his lungs glancing off his ribs instead. It was a painful wound but wouldn't likely be fatal except again he needed medical care and rest, and neither of those were accessible where they were because the town they had meant to reach was still many hours away.

After doing an inventory of supplies, Joe and Hoss began eating. There was enough for all of them especially because two men had died. Hoss started up a small campfire to make coffee and some breakfast because he and his brothers needed to rebuild their strength. He soon had beans and coffee heating. As Joe continued to tend to the wounded, Hoss asked Adam to come with him to bury the man Adam had killed. They carried rocks and buried him under them until no predator or scavenger would be able to get to the body. They showed the man more respect than he had shown any of his victims, but they did it because it was the right thing to do. The man with the thigh wound had lapsed into unconsciousness. Adam stood looking down at him, and Joe asked what was wrong.

"I don't remember how many men I have killed. If he dies, I won't know how many that makes. Can a decent man be a killer too? So is that why I was gone? Is that why I left? Because I'm a killer and needed to get away?"

"Adam, you're not a killer. You never shot anyone except to defend yourself or others. If you hadn't killed those two trappers, they would have killed us and you too. They were the ones who made the choice. It's not your responsibility."

"Of course it is. I pulled the trigger each time."

Not knowing how to respond to his brother, Joe looked to Hoss who shrugged. Adam had always been one to feel terrible when forced to take a life. The two of them had no idea that he had remembered all the lives he had taken and the acts of many years had therefore been condensed into two days of memories sinking him into a deep depression. As much as the wounded men, he needed medical care but it would be days before anyone realized it.

When the food was ready, Hoss dished up three plates of food handing one to each brother. Joe was hungry and like Hoss nearly inhaled the food because they were so hungry. Adam ate slowly and mechanically. When Hoss offered more, Adam declined with a shake of his head. Joe and Hoss ate the rest when the wounded man said he was to nauseated to eat anything.

"All righty, now, that takes care of being hungry. How we gonna get these men out of here? Adam, you got any ideas?"

Shaking his head negatively again, Adam sat on a fallen log as they continued to eat slowly. Joe looked at Hoss still wondering what was wrong. Hoss didn't know either. Their thoughts were interrupted though by the sound of horses approaching. Hoss and Joe both yelled in joy when they saw their father riding their way. They grinned at seeing Candy and Joe and then yelled again when they saw that Ellie was with them. Hoss turned to the wounded man who was still conscious.

"Ya probably don't deserve it, but you just got real lucky at least ifn you don't mind being treated by a lady doctor."

As soon as Ben got to them, he dismounted as fast as he could and grabbed Joe and the Hoss in a hug. Ellie raced to Adam who stood slowly. She threw her arms around him and was surprised by how little he reacted. He seemed very quiet and distant. Within a short time, Hoss and Joe were telling Ellie what they had done for the two wounded men and asking her what they should do to help her treat the wounded men. She started issuing instructions and slipped into her doctor mode pushing her concerns about her husband to the back of her mind because he had no wounds needing immediate attention, but just the limited exposure she had had with him led her to know he needed help whether he knew it or not. Ben was as surprised by Adam's aspect as all the others were. Joe began to tell them about everything that had happened except asking Adam to fill them in on his part of it. He talked almost in a monotone with no difference in talking about the weather as he did talking about killing two men. Something had gone terribly wrong for the oldest Cartwright son, but no one knew what that was.

 

Chapter 4

For the next two days, most of the efforts by Ben Cartwright, his family, and Candy were to get the two wounded men to town and get the appropriate charges filed against them. Once Adam, Joe, and Hoss gave their statements, there was little question that the men would be convicted and imprisoned although the three brothers might have to make a return trip to testify at a trial. Once all of that was accomplished, the group headed for home. All of the men had been impressed with Ellie's skills in dealing with the wounds the two trappers had. Except for Adam, none of them had seen her in action before as a doctor. Her knowledge was extensive, and her dispassionate way of handling the requirements of the situation showed how well suited she was to her chosen profession. Ben no longer had a concern about his daughter-in-law being a practicing physician because to keep her from doing that would be a disservice to her and to all the people she could help.

While Ben and the others were impressed with Ellie, they were just as concerned about Adam. His injuries were minor and consisted mostly of soreness and some difficulty moving his left leg. After examining him, Ellie knew that all he needed was time for a complete recovery from his physical injuries. What his mental and emotional injuries were she was unable to ascertain while they were still in the wilderness. She hoped fervently that once they returned to the familiar scenes of home, Adam would relax and start communicating, but she was also very worried at his lack of affect. He seemed almost in a daze.

There was also a noticeable reluctance to accept any physical touch from anyone. His father had hugged Joe and Hoss but Adam had moved away so that he would not be hugged. It was obvious to everyone there and would have not seemed so unusual except he did the same when Ellie tried to hug him. She had wanted to share Sport with him so the two wounded men could ride her horse. Instead, he suggested she ride with Jamie saying the two of them were less of a load and wouldn't burden a horse so much. Ellie knew there was something very wrong at that point but hoped it would not get worse. It did.

No one knew why Adam was acting that way after having rescued his brothers because Adam had not told anyone that he remembered having killed so many people that his conscience and guilt had made him feel less than human. He recalled having his hands around Kane's neck trying to kill him. That he had not killed him was little solace when he remembered all of the other people he had successfully killed. When Ellie tried to show affection to Adam, he pulled away. Finally she got a bit perturbed with him. After two days of travel and no communication with Adam, she had followed him out of camp after he again did everything he could to distance himself from her.

"What have I done wrong? You're treating me like I hurt you, but I have no idea what I did."

"Nothing. You did nothing wrong except marrying me. You deserve a decent man, and I'm not one of those. You don't know who you married. It was a mistake." With that, Adam had walked away from her. Ellie was in tears when she walked back to the camp, and Hoss especially was concerned.

"Ellie, what's wrong?"

"Adam said that getting married was a mistake." With that, she burst into tears and Hoss wrapped his arms around her trying to console her, and at the same time, Hoss wanted to go see his brother and punch him for hurting his wife so much. Instead Ben went to find him and found Adam sitting against a tree with his head down. He had his hands up against his temples as if he was in pain. Ben's anger faded as he saw how sad and dejected his son looked. It was the look of a man who had lost everything that was important to him even though he was the one who was rejecting all of their attempts to show him their affection.

"Adam, what's wrong? You're hurting people with the way you're talking to them and the way you're avoiding them. I know you are not a cruel person, so I am completely surprised at your behavior." He waited silently for a response. He knew that Adam was not the type who could be pushed into doing something he didn't want to do. He would talk or he wouldn't.

"I don't know what kind of person I am. How can you say I'm not cruel? I tried to kill Kane. I killed Ross. I killed Sam Board. I've killed so many people and so many others have died because of me. How can anyone look at me and not see what a wretch I am? I killed two men in the last few days and I never gave either one a chance to fight back. I stabbed one and shot the other. A third man would have died if not for all of you showing up here. I'm a killer. Ellie should never have married me. It was the biggest mistake she could have made. She needs to get out of this marriage while she can."

Shocked and flabbergasted by Adam's statements, Ben also had a sudden insight into what had happened. "You've remembered everything, haven't you? You know about all those unpleasant things you didn't remember before?" At Adam's nod and seeing him drop his head to his chest again, Ben continued. "You remembered years and years of troubling events but you remembered them in just a few days. I can see how shocking that would be to you. You had time in the past to think each of those situations through and come to terms with what happened. Having it all flood in on you at once has been too much. You need to give yourself time. You need to talk with us. We can help you."

"How can anyone help me? I did all of those things. I can't undo any of them and neither can anyone else."

"Your thoughts are filled with them and your dreams at night too I suspect."

"Nightmares."

"You stay right here. I'm sending Hoss to sit with you. Will you wait for him?" Adam nodded before dropping his head again, and Ben headed back to their camp. They were still a day away from getting home, and he sincerely wished they were already there. In camp he immediately approached Hoss who was getting his dinner. "Hoss, I need you to go be with Adam. Don't press him to talk. Don't say anything that would upset him. I need to speak with Ellie and let her know what's going on."

"What is going on, Pa? He's just been a bear to be around."

"I can't tell you yet, but after I talk with Ellie, I think we may have a pretty good idea. Now go sit with him before he wanders further away from us."

Hoss' anger at Adam dissipated when he found him and saw how miserable he looked. He was punishing himself worse than anything anyone else could do. Hoss simply sat down across from his older brother and waited. Adam never even acknowledged that he was there. Hoss thought back to the conversation he had had with Adam only a few days earlier. "I don't remember how many men I have killed. If he dies, I won't know how many that makes. Can a decent man be a killer too?" He wondered about that for a time and if that had anything to do with how Adam was acting now. He knew that the violence of the west had been one of the things that bothered his brother a great deal. Had this recent incident done something to him? Then he realized what Ben had discerned. Adam had remembered everything and it was too much for him to accept.

In camp, Ben was talking with Ellie. "When I was at sea, I remember men getting so upset with the isolation of being at sea, with the punishments, with the bad food we had on occasion, and the boredom of calm seas that sometimes a man would become so sad and upset that they were a threat to themselves. If we saw it, we would confine that person as if they had done something wrong. If we didn't see it developing before it got very bad, there was a risk that some of those men might kill themselves. They just sunk so low they didn't see a way out. One man jumped overboard. He smiled and stepped over the side like it was the most normal thing in the world."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Ellie, Adam has remembered all those unpleasant memories that he couldn't before. What do you think the impact of that has been?" Ben waited as Ellie considered what Ben was saying. Finally she looked up and directly at Ben. She still looked upset, but had a determined look as well.

"He's suffering. He's thinking terrible thoughts about himself. He can't understand why any of us want to be anywhere around him because he can't tolerate being with himself." At Ben's nod, Ellie strode off in the direction where she knew Adam was. Joe, Jamie, and Candy had been listening and had questions for Ben. He explained what he knew about Adam remembering so much in such a short time. "He has so many terrible memories to get used to at once, and he can't escape them. He thinks about them during the day and has nightmares at night. He's exhausted. I can only hope that Ellie will know what to do."

Walking to where Adam and Hoss were sitting, Ellie was trying to recall everything she had learned about depressive afflictions. She hoped to get Adam doing some of the treatment as soon as possible and intended to speak with Doctor Martin about it as soon as she could for she assumed among miners, there would be cases of that malady. When Ellie saw Adam sitting against a tree with his head down, her heart nearly broke. She didn't know about these memories with which he had been inundated and that was her mistake. She should have asked other members of the family to explain more of Adam's history because she had been fairly certain that he would eventually regain more memories. She had not anticipated this and yet knew she should have because it had become apparent to her that the memories he had not recovered tended to be those of a more unpleasant nature. That the memory loss was selective had led her to believe there was a strong emotional content to those memories. She had been so happy getting married, spending time with Adam, and planning their new house that she had not adequately thought through his recovery from his illness. Hoss was going to leave but Ellie asked him to stay. If Adam said something she didn't understand, she would need Hoss to help her with the story. Sitting down next to Adam, Ellie put her arm around his arm and began rubbing his back with the other.

"Adam, you are not alone. Your whole family wants to help. I know you are feeling miserable right now, and I think I know why. You need to do several things to help yourself right now. You need to eat the meals we give you. You need to do physical activity, and the more you do, the better. You need to get some decent sleep and the only way to do that right now is probably through medication or alcohol which will be your choice."

"I hate medicine."

"I know you do, so a good shot of brandy or a glass of wine before bed should help. A long warm bath would help too but we can't do that out here."

"We probably don't have any brandy or wine along either."

"Your father has a small bottle of whisky though. It wouldn't be my first choice, but I think it will help."

"And then what? Do I numb myself with alcohol forever?"

"No, that is just a temporary solution. If you start doing more and eating better, you should be tired enough to sleep and not need a crutch after a time. You are also going to have to talk about these things. You can't keep them bottled up inside like you have for days now. That's not working out at all for you, is it?"

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to confess all the terrible things I've done?"

"What I want you to say what you think the worst thing that you've done and why you think it's so terrible, and then I'm going to ask Hoss to tell it from his point of view. Can you do that? Please. I love you and it's the only way I know to help."

Dropping his head into his hands again, Adam mumbled his first response. He loved Ellie so much he had to try to do this for her. "I tried to kill Kane. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to feel the life ebb out of him while my hands were around his throat. I'm a killer. I have a terrible dark side that makes me kill. I wanted to kill him just like I wanted to kill those two trappers. I felt no qualms about snuffing out their lives like a candle."

Looking to Hoss, Ellie asked him to tell what he knew.

"From what Adam told us at the time, that Kane had denied him food, water, and shelter. He killed a mule just so's Adam couldn't leave. He made him work like a mule." That brought another memory into focus for Hoss. "That's why you exploded at those trappers. That leader of theirs said we was playing a game and that we were like mules. You just couldn't take being treated that way again."

"Why is that so important, Hoss?"

"Kane done told Adam they was playing a game. What he really was doing was setting up a contest to the death. Adam didn't kill him but he pushed the two of them so far, he died when Adam was dragging him out of there on a travois. It's only luck that Pa spotted Adam at all. Both of them coulda died."

"But Hoss, I wanted to kill him."

"Adam, if that had been me, I woulda killed him for sure and probably a lot sooner than you tried. I wouldna felt guilty about it neither."

Sitting quietly, Hoss and Ellie could see that Adam was thinking. When Ellie suggested they could go back to camp and get something to eat, Adam stood. She offered her hand and he took it. Hoss breathed a sigh of relief. One down, and how many more to go though was the question both Ellie and Hoss were thinking. The camp was quite subdued. Ellie asked Ben for the bottle of whisky he had in his saddlebags, and he offered it with no more than a frown. Ellie poured a sizeable amount into Adam's coffee cup and then added some coffee. Ben knew then what she was doing. The next morning, Adam had a headache that wasn't all that surprising, but he looked more rested than he had in days. It was not the ideal way to get him to sleep but it was the best solution at hand.

When Hoss walked with Adam who had been encouraged to shave, Ben pulled Ellie aside.

"Can you tell me what's going on, and what we should do?"

"As you probably already understand, all those memories rushing in as they did have created an imbalance in his mind. The lack of food and rest aggravated the problem as did the stress of knowing he was the only one who could likely rescue his brothers from certain death at the hands of those trappers. We're all very lucky he could function as well as he did, but as soon as Hoss and Joe were safe, he had no strength left. We didn't see the whole problem at first so we pushed on with the two wounded men, made him give a statement to the sheriff, and then headed toward home. I know now I should have insisted we take rooms and rest there for a time. He would likely be in a lot better shape if we had done that."

"Should we take time here then?"

"No unfortunately he needs to be home now. A warm bath, some of Hop Sing's cooking, and the reassurance of familiar things should help him relax."

"Does he understand what you've told me?"

"As well as he can right now. You've raised a very strong man. He's fighting as hard as he knows how right now.

"What can I do?"

"He needs to hear a different version of events than the ones that are in his mind. He's only thinking the worst of himself for things that he has done. He needs to hear about the benefits that resulted from his actions or as Hoss explained last night how he would have done exactly the same and wouldn't have felt guilty at all. If people he loves and respects can let him know that they admire him and like him not only in spite of his actions but also because of them, it will help him a lot."

"What about you? Who helps you because I know this must be very difficult for you?"

"Yes, you can expect to have me cry on your shoulder a few times. As his doctor, I'm able to discuss this very dispassionately, but when I think about it as his wife, I can't." Ellie's lip trembled then, and Ben wrapped his arms around her to let her cry. Adam walked back into the camp then with Hoss, and Ben could see how conflicted he was. Hoss solved the issue though when he pushed Adam right up against Ellie so that Ben simply moved her into Adam's arms. He had little choice but to hold her then which made her cry more it seemed. That triggered something in Adam it seemed for he pulled her closer with one arm and caressed her back with the other. Ben signaled the others to go pack up the horses.

 

Chapter 5

Once back on the Ponderosa, Adam was subdued but more like himself it seemed. The first morning back, he slept until nearly noon. For a man who had not been able to sleep well for so many days, he suddenly couldn't wake up. Everyone including Ellie assumed it was exhaustion from all that had happened. Joe and Hoss slept later than usual as well. On the second morning though, it was clear to Ellie that this was something more and again not something she expected. Adam was groggy and didn't want to get up. It was so out of character for a man who was used to getting up as soon as the sky began to lighten that she knew it had to be stopped before he retreated from them again. Pulling the door tightly closed behind her, she went to the breakfast table where Hoss and Joe were with their father discussing the upcoming drive as well as the need to capture some mustangs which had not been done because of their trying misadventure. Ellie looked over at Hoss, and in an intense whisper, had a request.

"You need to go outside right now and find something that Adam needs to help you do. I'm going to be telling him that you need him because I think it may be the only way to get him out of bed this morning."

"Huh?"

Hoss' response made Ben intercede with his own whispered comment. "Adam is sleeping to avoid facing his problems, but Ellie thinks that if you need him, he'll be able to get past that and get up. Now all you have to do is find something that he needs to help you do."

"Like what?"

"You have about fifteen minutes to think of something."

Joe got up to go help Hoss find something to do. Once outside, Joe immediately had an idea. "You know how you keep saying that wobbly wheel on the carriage needs to be fixed, and that the springs under the seat ought to be replaced. Well Adam is mighty handy on that forge or at least he used to be. Let's get that wheel off and start on the springs. You know you never like me helping with these jobs cause you always seem to get hurt when I help."

Fifteen minutes later, Hoss was yowling with pain as he stuck his finger under the water flow from the pump by the horse trough. "Dadburnit, Joe, how many times I gotta tell ya not to move a spring until you're sure my fingers are clear too. Adam wouldna let me get my finger caught in there like that. Dagnabit, that hurts."

Walking outside after grabbing a quick breakfast, Adam heard Hoss and his suspicions about why he had been hurried out of bed disappeared. It did in fact appear that Hoss needed him. All through his life Adam had responded to those in need especially his family and friends. Ellie knew that much about him and used it to motivate him. She was relieved that Hoss and Joe had found something that Adam could do to help Hoss. By hurrying to make it look like they had been working longer, Hoss had a bruised finger and Joe was staying out of arm's reach of him. Hoss saw a little smile on Adam's face and decided that a hurt finger was a small price to pay for that although he would never let Joe know. He bellowed at him one more time so Joe retreated to the house.

"Sure am glad you came out to help. You did come out to help, didn't ya?"

"Of course. What do you need me to do?"

Inside the house, Ben, Joe, and Ellie made a collective sigh of relief. Adam had not seen through their subterfuge, and now he was out of the house and working with Hoss who seemed to be the one best able to get him to talk. All they could do was hope the rest of the day went as well. Ben and Joe continued to plan the upcoming drive and a roundup of mustangs as Ellie sewed, and Jamie entered the past week's accounts into the ledger.

"You still got them nightmares?"

"Not so much."

"How much?"

"I keep seeing faces of people I've killed, but it doesn't seem as bad somehow. I see them but I don't seem to have any particular feeling about it."

"Maybe it means you're getting to accept that it had to happen. You know when you went up against somebody, it always scared me. Pa like to stagger and fall down when he saw ya do that. It seemed your heart was ice, but I knew it wasn't cause you always felt bad afterwards cause you had to take a life. But those men made a choice, and you shooting em saved you or us from worse."

"Is feeling badly about it good enough?"

"Yeah, I think it does. Those men coulda done something else. You choose to hurt people, then you gotta accept that you can get hurt or even killed. Don't suppose they rightly always thought it out that way but they should have. It's justice." Hoss' matter of fact acceptance that sometimes violence had to be met with violence was reassurance to Adam. Hoss had lived out in the west as many years as he had, and had seen enough to be able to judge a situation. If he thought Adam had done the right thing, then Adam was thinking it would be too arrogant to think that his idea was better than his brother's. Most of the day, the two brothers worked silently seeming to know without asking most of the time what the other needed. By the end of the day, the carriage was in good condition and ready to use. Hoss suggested to Adam that he give Ellie a ride to test it out.

It didn't take long to hitch up a horse and soon Adam and Ellie were off for a ride. She asked if they could go look at the lake as she hadn't been there in some time. By the time they got there, there were clouds blocking the sun except for stray rays shining through. Those seemed to make acres of diamonds where they struck the lake. Ellie and Adam stood admiring the gorgeous evening sun. Although Ellie had hoped that Adam would want to hug and kiss as he usually wanted to do when the two of them were alone and saw something so beautiful, she also realized it was a long road they were on. It was too much to expect that in a week he would make that much progress especially because they had only realized what the problem was only a few days before. It was a tribute to his strength of personality and character that he had made so much progress already. She had to be thankful that he was sleeping better, working, and hopefully at dinner, eating well. As they rode back home, she slipped her arm through his and he smiled at her. Small steps she reminded herself, small steps. At dinner she couldn't help smiling at the family when Adam clearly was hungry after a busy day and ate well. They read together for a time before bed and things were slowly returning to a more normal level

The next day, Joe, Jamie, and Candy headed out to do the mustang roundup as Hoss and Adam went to do a count in the pastures where the cattle were being held for the drive. When they got back, Hop Sing was on a rant about not having enough kindling and firewood and going back to China. That got another smile from Adam before he and Hoss got busy chopping wood. Inside, Ben thanked Hop Sing profusely for his performance and said no one could have done it better. After just a short time, Ben went outside with a list of supplies and asked if Hoss could go with him into town to pick those up leaving Adam with an afternoon of wood chopping. Normally he would have complained about that, but somehow chopping wood didn't seem at all like a chore at that time.

Earlier, Ben and Ellie had talked about how angry Adam might be and how betrayed he might feel if he found out how they had been manipulating him. Ellie argued that in a day or two, he would be feeling better and she would talk to him about what he needed to do. She thought he was too vulnerable at that point to try to tell him. Ben had a difficult time thinking of his oldest son as vulnerable because he had always been such a strong and courageous man. Ellie reminded him of his illness and all the problems he had because of it. Ben had to agree but both thought that this should be the last of the manipulation. They would try to talk him into doing what he needed to do for his health after this. Ellie assured Ben that she thought Adam would get a good night's sleep and then they could ask him to do some physical labor to work out some of the stress and relieve some of the anxiety he was feeling. He had slept the night before with only a small glass of brandy to help him, and Ellie couldn't share what she was thinking when he was still so troubled. Adam had been restless when he lay in bed. She had leaned against him and massaged his chest in a circular motion until he was breathing softly and sleeping. She woke up later when he had turned and wrapped his arms around her and snuggled his face into her neck. It was the most physical contact they had had since before he left on the brothers' ill-fated trip. That was how they had awakened that morning, and he had not pulled away from her. They didn't talk but quietly stayed together with their bodies touching and Adam kissed her softly when it was time to get up.

As Ellie listened to the steady thunk of axe hitting wood, she thought it might be nice to share some cookies and lemonade with her husband. As she stood to go to the kitchen to ask Hop Sing if he could prepare a tray for her, he walked out of the kitchen with just such a tray except it also had biscuits and preserves. Like everyone else in the family, Ellie wondered how he did that. She decided he was clairvoyant or simply far more intelligent than any of them. Once outside, she didn't want Adam to stop his activity so she brought the glass of lemonade right to him. A piece of wood flew up and hit her in the arm because he did not see her coming. Adam dropped the axe and immediately was at her side with his handkerchief to wipe the blood from a small cut in her arm.

"I am so sorry. I had no idea you were so close."

"It's all right, Adam. I was just bringing you some cookies and lemonade. The rest is on the table but the lemonade I'm afraid is just mud." Laughing a little to try to let Adam know it was not a terrible concern, Ellie could see she was not having the desired impact. Adam still looked shocked at what he had done. "Adam, I'm a doctor. It's just a scratch. I'll clean it up and put a little bandage on it. It'll be fine." In a gesture that was becoming all too common, Adam raised his hands to his head which dropped to his chest. Ellie wrapped her arms around him. "It's all right. Just a little accident. Take a break and have a little snack with me. We can share the other glass of lemonade." That seemed to do the trick and they sat and snacked. Ellie took a sip of lemonade and then offered the rest to Adam. "I haven't been working in the heat, and I can get more from Hop Sing when I go inside anyway. What's wrong? You haven't said anything."

"I feel like a weakling, and I let every little thing get to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm in a fog."

"In a way you are. Adam, those memories with the stress of saving your brothers and the violence that required is what's wrong. You need to come to terms with all that you've done in your life that caused regrets, and it was too much at once. You're not weak. If anything, you are amazingly strong to have faced all this as well as you did so far. Some people retreat into a bottle, or use anger to let the negative thoughts out but hurt themselves or other people in the process. You're doing it without any of that. You're facing the memories and talking about them at least to Hoss. You have to give yourself some time though because you have a lot to do."

"Does it bother you that I talk to Hoss about it instead of you?"

"To be honest, that's a yes and a no. Yes, because I'm your wife and your doctor and I would like to help you. But I don't know all of your history. That's my fault because I knew there were memories you had bottled up and probably for good reason. I should have asked someone, but I didn't. Hoss knows all about those things so he's the best one for you to talk with right now."

"It's not fair to Hoss though, is it, to put all this on him?"

"Adam, Hoss has been very happy to be the one to help. He feels better about that than the rest of us who get to sit and watch praying that you will see that you are a good person who was forced into doing some unpleasant things."

"But sometimes I was the one who put someone else in harm's way. They were killed but I was fine. Did Hoss or anyone tell you about Sue Ellen Terry?" When Ellie shook her head, Adam explained. "She was a saloon girl. I liked her a lot, but I didn't love her. I liked being with her, and I think she enjoyed our time together too. But I knew it made other men angry when I monopolized her time. One of them got very angry and tried to kill me, but his errant shot killed Sue Ellen instead. I ended up in jail because at first people thought I shot her. In the end, I got out and confronted him and ended up killing him. Two people are dead because I wanted to spend time with Sue Ellen. That time I was only concerned about what I wanted, and I ignored the fact that I was putting her in danger."

"So you knew that someone was going to try to shoot you because you were seeing her?"

"No, but I should have known. I should have realized that with a woman like Sue Ellen, there would be that type of man interested in her."

"I'm sorry but I really have trouble accepting that you feel guilty for not reading another man's mind and knowing he would do something awful. No one can do that. You have to give up this idea that you can be perfect. You can't. No one can."

That got Adam angry. He stormed away from the table, grabbed the axe, and began chopping but stopped after a few minutes of furious activity. "I'm not perfect. I never said I was. I was just trying to do the right thing."

"Adam, I apologize for being sarcastic. That was uncalled for. What I should have said is simply that you need to stop taking responsibility for what others do. They make their own choices. Then we react to that. We can only be responsible for our own actions. Do you understand what I'm trying to say even if I'm not saying it very well."

"I'm sorry too."

"Why are you sorry?"

"When I said you shouldn't have married me, it wasn't because I don't love you. I just feel like I haven't been much of a husband, and far less than you deserve."

"I haven't been disappointed at all. I love you, and I promised for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. I meant those words when I said them. We'll get through this, and then we'll move into our house. We'll have a lot of years of joy together. This will seem like a short time once we've been married for a few decades."

That got a smile, and Adam moved toward Ellie who reached out to him. They hugged and Adam gave her another soft kiss before telling her he had to get back to work or Hop Sing was heading back to China. She laughed and took the tray back into the house, but she cringed a little knowing she would have to tell Hop Sing that she had broken one of the glasses. She was hoping that the cut on her arm would get enough sympathy to soften the lecture she deserved.

If Ellie thought Hop Sing's anger was something to be feared, she was even more shocked at how angry Adam got that evening. Hoss and Ben were discussing the drive. Adam asked what he was going to be expected to do. Because they didn't want to upset him, Ben asked him what he wanted to do.

"Well, I don't have much recent experience so I would think that Hoss and Joe would boss the drive and ramrod it. I can go along as a hand, and help them out wherever they need it."

Nodding and looking pleased, Hoss had to agree. "Yeah, you can help us out with ideas when we need em. You're always good for some ideas, and ifn we need somebody to go to town for supplies and such, it would be great to have you to do that so that Joe and me wouldn't have to leave the herd at all."

Smiling, Adam had to respond to that. "Are you sure that Joe is going to appreciate that particular fact?"

"Well, now, he might not, but I shore will."

After listening, Ellie interjected herself into the conversation. "I'm going too, then."

And that got Adam's ire, Ben's consternation, and Hoss' shock.

Hoss was the first to speak. "Miss Ellie, you can't rightly go on a trail drive with all men. They're dirty and they don't talk proper like a man should in front of a lady."

Ben was next. "Hoss is correct. In addition, it would be an additional concern for my sons and take their attention away from the drive. That could create a safety problem for all of them. If you are that concerned about Adam, then perhaps he should sit this one out. Candy or Jamie could go instead."

That did it for Adam. A lot of anger that had been building erupted. "I will not be treated like a child. Yes, I have had some problems, but not one of you can say it interfered with my ability to do my work. I did everything that was asked of me, and no one can say I didn't."

Trying to be diplomatic didn't help. "I just thought that I would be going crazy here worrying about what might happen especially after what happened on the last trip. It was only for my peace of mind. I could ride in the chuck wagon and help with the cooking. I don't have anything to do here, and I have no women that need me to visit in the next month."

"Pa, would you just tell her she can't go? We've never had a woman on a trail drive before."

"Adam, I think this is something that you and your wife need to work out."

With a loud 'Fine!', Adam pointed at the front door and preceded Ellie in that direction. Hoss and Ben shrugged. Ben just pointed in the direction Adam had gone encouraging Ellie to follow. Once she got outside, Ellie didn't see Adam at first. Then she realized he was already at the stable and lighting a lantern. She followed him there and walked inside where the lantern dimly lit the interior.

"What are you trying to do to me? Do you know what it will look like if you're along on the drive? It's bad enough that everyone in the family is nurse-maiding me here, but how will I be able to hold my head up if you continue it on the drive?"

"It's not so much that. I'm scared to see you go again so soon. I don't think I could eat or sleep much in the month you're supposed to be gone. Please, let me go? I'll go crazy if you don't."

Ellie walked up to Adam whose back was to her and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Please?"

"Damn it, woman, you make things so difficult."

"There could be some fringe benefits to having me along." Ellie leaned around his side and gave a coquettish look at Adam who looked back at her and only shook his head.

"Oh, no, on the drive, there will be nothing like that. It's going to be difficult enough with you there. I don't want the men laughing and talking about anything like that."

"So I can go?"

Turning to her, Adam shook his head again. "You just manipulated me right into that, didn't you. Remind me never to underestimate your talents ever again. But there are some conditions. You will wear a skirt or a dress every single day. You will stay with the chuck wagon at all times unless I am with you or one or my brothers. You will not complain. You will do what the cook orders and that means getting up most mornings at about four. If there's a problem, I will take you to the nearest town as soon as possible and put you on a stage for home. You ready for all of that?"

"When do we leave?"

With a deep sigh, Adam dropped onto a hay bale. "In a week. As soon as Joe gets back with the mustangs."

"Doesn't Joe usually handle the horses?"

"Yes, but these will have to be calmed down by being here on the ranch for a couple of weeks probably. We put them in corrals with some of our calmer other horses and get them used to being on a ranch. Then they'll be greenbroke as they get them used to halters, lead ropes, saddles, and such. They'll be ready for the breaking corrals about the time we get back."

When the two of them got back into the house with their news, Hoss was flabbergasted for he had never expected Adam to give in on that one. He was thinking it was going to be quite an adventure seeing how the two of them acted on a trail drive together. Ben was thinking the dominant male in the wolf pack just met the dominant female. He hoped Joe and Hoss were ready for the two of them.

 

Chapter 6

"That one in the black used to be all barbed wire and fire, but he's gone soft. Those other two are really good with horses and cattle but they don't have the suspicious nature that older one had."

"So what do we do? What's the plan?"

"Nate got himself hired on. He'll let us know any plans ahead of time or if they suspect that anything is wrong. He'll try to stir things up in camp too. With that woman in there, it shouldn't be too tough to do that."

"But what about the cattle?"

"We keep em stirred up so it will be easy to stampede em and cut out a good sized portion for us. Nate will give us the signal and then we'll rush in and get a couple of hundred for us if it works. Now that big one is right smart about cattle so we can't do anything too obvious. Put a little jimson weed in the grass where they're grazing. Toss small clumps of dirt out at em at night to keep em riled up. That sort of thing. It'll tire those drovers out too trying to keep that herd under control."

"So they'll be too tired to stop us once we make our move, right?"

"Exactly. Now watch out for that young one. He's real fast on horseback and with a gun. We make our move only when he's not around. Keep your distance during the day, and sneak in at night and keep that herd riled up but ya gotta make it look natural like."

For Hoss bossing the drive was going reasonably well. He was concerned as the first week passed that the herd didn't seem to be settling into a routine as he expected. Joe was ramrod and noticed the same thing. Adam went out at night to sing as he nighthawked the herd but it didn't seem to do any good. The time right after the sun went down seemed to be the worst. Each morning, Hoss went out looking for tracks thinking that perhaps a wolf pack was dogging the herd but never saw anything but horse tracks and cow tracks. It was a mystery to him. He asked what Adam thought and reacted as if he had made a ridiculous assertion.

"Rustlers? Where wouldja have come up with an idea like that? There ain't one bit of evidence that there's anyone around her other than us."

"Just a hunch."

"Well, you ain't much help at all. I'm going to talk to Joe and see if he's got any ideas."

It was breakfast on the seventh day of the trip and Ellie walked over to fill Adam's coffee cup. They rarely had time together except when they were sleeping, and then they were both so tired, they slept. Breakfast was the only time they ever got to talk at all. Ellie was concerned that Hoss had dismissed Adam's idea so abruptly and wondered how Adam felt about that.

"Why did you tell Hoss you thought it was possibly rustlers?"

"It's not the weather. It's not wolves, and there's no bear activity here. We've seen no Indians and none have come to ask for payment of cattle to cross their lands. It's not sickness, lack of water, or lack of good grass. When you eliminate everything else, what's left is your answer."

"Why didn't you explain it to Hoss that way?"

"He wasn't ready to listen. You were."

"Will you tell Joe?"

"If he's ready to listen."

"And if he isn't?" Ellie was a little disappointed that Adam was not more willing to argue these points with Hoss. It seemed he gave up too easily. She hoped he would talk with Joe for to her, the conclusion he had drawn seemed reasonable.

A few hands were having breakfast and heard what Adam had told Ellie. They accepted coffee cup refills and then thought about what he had said. "Adam, it makes sense even if there ain't no proof. Reckon maybe we ought to be on the lookout for anything unusual?"

Nodding his head, Adam finished his breakfast and headed out to ride flank. Nate was the last to get up from the log where the men sat for breakfast that day. He wondered how he would tell his friends that the oldest Cartwright was still a very suspicious man. They would need to move up the timetable for their plan before Adam convinced his brothers that there were rustlers intent on stealing the herd or at least part of it.

That night before the drovers sat down to eat, Nate was busy starting a story about how the cattle were restless because there was a woman around. He used Adam's argument but substituted a woman being there for the rustlers part of it. A number of men were uneasy already because Ellie was along even though she worked hard and slept right there with her husband and his brothers so that everyone knew there was nothing going on that they didn't know. By the time dinner was being eaten, the restlessness of the men told Hoss and Joe that something was up. Adam was out trying to settle the herd down and Ellie was helping serve the dinner. Hoss finally asked what had the men riled up, and two of the more loud-mouthed men shouted out that it was having a woman on the drive that had made the cattle restless. They said it was bad luck, and she shouldn't be there.

"Now you men listen up. That's just a lot of hog swill, and you know it. Ellie being along has made things a lot more pleasant for a lot of you. She's been doctoring up your blisters and taking care of some scratches ya got in the brush chasing strays down. You know you wouldn't be near as comfortable if it hadn't been for her cleaning those up and putting some of that salve on them. Besides, if anyone does get serious hurt, she can take care of em right here. That's a pretty good reason to have her here besides the fact that she and Cookie together make a heck of good team."

Just as Hoss' strong support of Ellie had begun to quiet the men, Adam walked into camp. He could tell by the sudden silence that something was wrong and asked. One of the two men who had started the whole discussion jumped up.

"If you weren't such a damn weakling and had to have your wife here to hold your hand, none of this trouble would be happening."

It was unlikely that he saw the fist coming because Adam launched himself at the man so fast. They tumbled in the dirt, but the fight was over quickly because Adam was enraged and the man was a loudmouth but had no inclination to brawl. He backed off as soon as he had a chance and apologized. Adam had to be restrained until he calmed down, but shook off the arms that held him and stalked off into the dark. Ellie was afraid to follow after what had been said so Joe went after him. Hoss looked over at the two men whose words had started all the trouble.

"You better know that if you play with dynamite, you might get hurt or killed. That's my brother and he can fight better than almost anybody I know. You want to try him again, I won't hold him back. Is that clear enough?" When the man who had fought nodded, Hoss made a suggestion. "Ifn you was to apologize to the lady here, she might be convinced to clean up your face so it don't look no uglier than it has to."

Witnessing everything that had happened, Nate decided that the next morning he would give the signal to his friends to start the stampede. If he didn't, Adam might convince his brothers that there was a threat from rustlers. Once they started looking for evidence of that, they would likely find some. Away from the camp, Adam had cooled down and was explaining to Joe why he thought they might be facing a threat from rustlers and that there might even be one or two of them in the camp among the men hired just for the drive, and unfortunately, Joe gave Adam the same response Hoss did, and again, Adam backed down. The two walked back to camp quietly and pulled out their bedrolls the same as they did every night. Adam put Ellie's between him and Joe with Hoss on the other side of Joe. One of the brothers would likely be gone for each shift of watching the herd at night but that meant there were always two there with Ellie. The only gesture of affection that Adam allowed was to hold Ellie's hand as the two fell asleep.

In the early morning, Ellie was up at about the same time as Joe who had the dawn shift. He would be with the herd along with three other drovers while the rest had breakfast. Each morning, one of the brothers had that duty. Joe had been thinking about what Adam had told him and was beginning to think his brother's reasoning was sound. It hadn't been like Adam to back down so easily in an argument, but considering what he had gone through, Joe realized it might be his way of avoiding any more trouble for the time being. As he rode slowly around the cattle, he saw Nate riding up ahead and found that odd. He knew Nate wasn't one of the drovers assigned to this task on this day, and suddenly he realized that as a new hire, Nate could be working with a group of rustlers. He kicked Cochise into a gallop to chase after Nate when shots were fired and the herd took off. At the speed he was riding, Joe was quickly up where Nate was. When Nate drew on him, Joe drew and fired first. Nate fell into the stampeding cattle but another shot came from Joe's left hitting him in the leg. He dropped his pistol but still managed to stay on his horse and kept riding until he reached the first of the stampeding cattle and began to turn them back to the rest of the herd. If successful, he would soon have a milling herd instead of a stampeding one. If he failed, he might die in a collision with cows who didn't want to go in the direction he was trying to force them to go.

As soon as the shots were fired to start the stampede, all of the men rushed to their horses to chase down the running cattle. Unfortunately the shots fired at Joe had turned part of the herd around and they were running back toward the chuck wagon. As the men rode away, there was a lot of crashing and mooing and suddenly cattle were rushing around the chuck wagon. Ellie waved a blanket to try to turn them away and got bumped back into the wagon and then had to roll under it to avoid being trampled. The wagon was bumped and jostled a lot and rolled back probably twenty feet. Ellie had to hang on to the undercarriage of the wagon and was dragged as the wagon rolled. Finally the cattle were gone, and Cookie jumped down from the wagon seat and screamed her name. She crawled out from under the wagon. As soon as Cookie could see that she was bruised and battered but not seriously injured, he began yelling at her for her foolishness and reminded her that her orders had been to get in the wagon at the first sign of any kind of trouble. Hoss rode back into the camp to survey the damage and make sure that Ellie and Cookie were all right. He heard the lecture Cookie was forcefully delivering so said nothing. His look said everything though and Ellie hung her head knowing she had messed up very badly and was lucky to be alive.

Heading out to see what had become of his brothers and the rest of the herd, Hoss saw drovers heading back his way to round up the other portion of the herd. They told him his brothers were up ahead and Hoss breathed a sigh of relief knowing they were both alive. There was a mangled corpse laying where the cattle had run, and Hoss thought they would need to do a check of the men to find out whom it was.

Up ahead, Adam and Joe were laying back in the grass laughing hysterically. It was a release of a lot of tension and stress. Adam had caught up to Joe earlier.

"Damn it, Joe, what the hell were you thinking? You could have been killed doing a damn fool stunt like that."

"Hey, if Pa were here, you wouldn't talk like that."

Dismounting, Adam had gone to Joe to help him from his horse. Then he used his knife to cut away the pants from around the wound. Seeing the bullet had not passed through, he took his handkerchief to bind the wound. They would need to get Joe back to camp, and Ellie would have to do some surgery. The bleeding wasn't bad though so he was somewhat relieved. "Would you rather I said, Dagnabit, Joe, what in tarnation were ya thinking? A dadburned stunt like that coulda kilt ya."

Joe started to giggle, and Adam couldn't help himself and joined in. That's how Hoss found them. "Dadburnit, here I was worried about you two yahoos, and you're just sitting there having a good ole time. Dagnabit, don't the two of you take anything serious?" Joe couldn't control his laughter even if rolling on the ground hurt his leg. Adam couldn't speak either because he was laughing so hard. He stopped almost immediately though with Hoss' next statement. "Just wanted to tell ya that Ellie got bumped around a little trying to wave off the cattle stampeding around the chuck wagon. She's all right though." Adam heard little of the end of that sentence as he was already mounted up and headed back to their demolished camp. Hoss dismounted to help Joe.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" Adam's anger was surpassed only by his fear of what might have happened if things had gone just s little differently for his wife. He had grabbed her and hugged her as soon as he got to the camp and found her and Cookie inventorying the supplies and making a list of things that could not be saved.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Now is there anyone hurt that I need to help?" Deflecting her husband's anger for the time being was the only strategy Ellie had, and it worked. His concern over Joe overrode his concern for Ellie because it was clear that she had not suffered any serious injuries. Adam started to help her and Cookie get the camp in order and prepare a place where she could operate on Joe's leg to remove the bullet and suture the wound. Unfortunately for Joe, the bullet had lodged right up against the bone requiring Ellie to enlarge the wound in order to remove the bullet. He wouldn't be able to ride for weeks probably although with Joe perhaps only a week. Adam would have to take over the ramrod job on the drive.

Hoss and Adam sat down to await the results of Joe's surgery and to discuss how to handle the rest of the drive. Joe would never consent to going home, and a stage ride with a wound like that was going to be extremely uncomfortable anyway. On the other hand, Ellie could go home. Once she finished with Joe and pulled a blanket over him to let him sleep, she walked over to Adam to face his ire for she knew she had to get it over with as soon as she could.

"You're going home."

"All right."

"Just like that?"

"Yes, you're the boss and that's in accordance with the agreement we made." Ellie was hoping that Adam would concede then that she could stay because she was so contrite and agreeable. He saw right through her strategy even though Hoss was ready to have her stay with them. He started to say something to that effect when Adam stopped him.

"No, Hoss, she's correct. That was our deal. I'm going to town tonight to order supplies. They should be able to get together most of what we need by morning. I'll put Ellie on a stage tomorrow morning and be back here by tomorrow evening."

Joe had told Hoss about Nate, and both brothers had wished that Adam had been more forceful in trying to convince them of the threat of rustlers. This old Adam with the temper and the bossiness was a welcome development. Ellie could tell from Hoss' reaction that he liked the way that Adam had started taking charge. She knew that there might be aspects of this personality she wouldn't necessarily like that much, but this new more dominating personality made her fall in love with him even more than she already had.

 

Chapter 7

After talking with Hoss and deciding to keep the herd in that area for an extra day, Adam saddled up two horses and took a third to carry more supplies back to camp. He and Ellie rode out as soon as she was sure Joe no longer needed her care. He was resting comfortably and Cookie knew what to do to care for the wound properly. Once they were at the hotel in town, Adam ordered a meal to be sent to their room at eight, ordered baths for the two of them, and asked if the hotel had robes and towels for their use.

"Why two hours? I'm hungry now."

"In addition to the bath, sweetheart, we have other things to do first. I'll do my best to keep your mind on something other than your stomach."

Once in the room, he undressed and put on the robe and told Ellie to do the same for the bath was just across the hall from their room in the small hotel. Grabbing his shaving kit and soiled clothing, he opened the door and escorted Ellie to the washroom where their warm bath awaited. Handing the attendant the soiled clothing and requesting he get them laundered and that his services would not be required, Adam gave the man three dollars. He smiled and agreed to do as Adam asked. The Adam locked the wash room door and dropped the robe to the floor. He indicated with a sweep of his hand that Ellie should do the same, and then he offered her his hand to help her step into the tub.

"Slide all the way to the end." Adam prepared to step into the tub with Ellie.

"You're getting in with me?"

"You need a bath. I need a bath. There's only one bathtub. I'll help you wash and then you can help me wash." Adam stepped into the tub then and settled into the other end of the tub with his legs on either side of Ellie. "Turn around, and I'll wash your hair for you."

"Why do I get the feeling that you've done this before?"

"Close your eyes so I can pour this water over your head."

Closing her eyes but not her mouth because she was going to make a comment, Ellie was soon sputtering and ready to make an angry comment when Adam began working the suds in her hair massaging her scalp as he did so. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation. When he told her again to close her eyes, she did and he rinsed her hair. He soaped his hands next and began washing her back and shoulders with gentle circular motions being careful as he massaged her not to press on her bruises. Announcing it was his turn, Adam reversed positions with Ellie so she could wash his hair and then his back except her hands roamed much further than his had. She wondered how he would react and was thrilled when he stood and said 'Later' before stepping out of the tub to shave. Ellie reclined in the tub watching him. When he finished, he offered her his hand and helped her from the tub handing her a towel. He pulled on his robe and grabbed his shaving kit and waited impatiently for Ellie to tie the sash on her robe. He escorted her across the hall to their room then, and almost tackled her as soon as the door was locked.

After no intimacy for so long, Adam and Ellie were almost too enthusiastic in their desire for one another. Soon they were resting and catching their breath as they lay in each other's arms. All too soon it seemed there was a knock on the door with their dinner. Ellie slid completely under the covers as Adam got his robe and opened the door for their meal tray. Ellie remembered how ravenous she was once the aroma of the food filled the room. She grabbed her robe and quickly joined Adam at the small table for dinner. After they ate, Adam dropped his robe and got into bed wondering why Ellie didn't follow him.

"Adam, I didn't bring a gown with me on this trip. I didn't think I would need one."

"You still don't. Just sleep like I do. You may find you like it."

"It just seems so improper and not ladylike at all."

"You can be a lady whenever you want except when we're in bed together. Then you're a woman and I'm a man, and I like to be as close as I can be to the woman I love."

"Well, when you say it like that, it does sound a lot better."

About midnight, Ellie was awakened by Adam kissing her lips, shoulders, arms, and anything else he could reach without letting go of her. As frenetic as the earlier lovemaking had been, this bout was all about being gentle and giving pleasure. Slowly and sensuously, they make love before falling asleep in each other's embrace again. In the morning Ellie awakened in the warm comfort of her husband's body pressed against hers. She could tell by his breathing that he was not sleeping. As she stirred, he caressed her back without saying anything.

"What would you like?"

"I'm going to miss you terribly. I would like some memories to hold me through the next few weeks."

So they made more wonderful memories before they dressed and went to the restaurant for breakfast. Then Adam escorted Ellie to the stage depot and waited with her until it was time for the stage to leave. Hugging and kissing, they said goodbye to each other. After waving and watching the stage pull out, Adam went to collect his laundered clothing and pick up the supplies for the drive. He sent a telegram to his father letting him know Ellie was on her way home, and then he headed out with the needed supplies.

Chapter 7

"So Joseph will be all right?"

"Yes, it was a clean wound, luckily, and I was able to treat it right away. Cookie had plenty of bandages and knows how to take care of a wound after all those years on drives."

"And what did you do to make Adam so angry that he sent you home?"

"Well, I tried to wave off cattle from ramming into the chuck wagon." At Ben's incredulous look, Ellie had to explain. "I can't defend my action other than to say that my lack of experience out here showed rather plainly. At first it was just a few cows and I thought it would be easy to get them to go another way. I had no idea how many would follow those first ones. I promise I will never do anything so foolish again. I didn't understand why they had the rule that I had to run for the wagon at the first sign of trouble."

"My dear, you can't question our rules like that either. There's a reason for the things that we tell you to do."

"I do understand that very well now. I am sorry I did what I did. But I think Adam could have let me continue on the drive with them. I learned and would never have been so stupid again, and I could have helped care for Joe too."

"Well, I would guess there was more to it. For one, with Joe hurt, Adam would have a lot more responsibility. When he was working as a hand, he could allow himself to be a bit distracted by you, but as ramrod or boss, there isn't a spare moment in a day. Was there any reason for him to think that you would be a distraction?"

"Not at all. I behaved just as we agreed except for that one time."

"There must have been something. Adam doesn't make arbitrary decisions like that without a reason."

"Well, I suppose it could have been the fight."

A raised eyebrow was all that Ben needed to do. Ellie needed to explain that one.

"Some of the men were thinking that the cattle being all riled up was because of me. Adam told Hoss and then he told Joe that he thought it might be rustlers in the area because none of the usual problems were there."

"That still doesn't explain the fight."

"One of the men challenged Adam and called him weak because he had me with him on the drive. They had a fight. Adam won."

"So it seems there may have been several reasons why Adam sent you home?"

With a deep sigh, Ellie nodded. She knew it had been the correct decision, but she already missed him. She did smile thinking about their last night and morning together.

"I take it you parted on good terms though?"

A little embarrassed to be caught out so easily on her thoughts, Ellie blushed and nodded. "Something about the fight and the stampede changed Adam somehow. He got more bossy and took charge. He just told people what had to be done and assumed it would get done. I never saw that side of him before."

"That sounds more like the Adam who left here. When he first got back, I liked the softer, gentler Adam, but I realize now that a lot of his strength was in his darker side. He can be stubborn, opinionated, demanding, and so very confident in himself. He used to push himself and everyone else so hard that sometimes it was resented, but he helped me build the Ponderosa by being that way."

"Yes, Hoss said he had wished that Adam had argued more when he thought there might be rustlers after the herd. He was suspicious but didn't try too hard to convince his brothers."

"He's come a long way back from everything that happened to him. He needs both sides of his personality to be himself. I think you're going to like him quite well even if he will be more intimidating to others. He may argue more with you about things than he has in the past, but I think you're strong enough to deal with that."

"Thank you. Yes, I do like him a lot the way he was that last night we were together. He took charge, but he was very considerate too."

"I raised my boys to know how to treat a woman."

"Now we just have to find some women for your other sons. They would make such wonderful husbands and fathers. They really should be trying harder to find someone."

"My dear, we are going to make a great team. I've been pushing them to do that for years."

By the time they reached the end of their conversation, they were nearly home. Once more, Ellie was enchanted by the view of the ranch when they neared the house. It was so impressive with all the trees and the mountains in the background.

Over the next few weeks, Jamie rode with her to her new house several times and to town so she could measure the windows and then get fabrics to sew curtains. Jamie was also her escort when she went to visit with pregnant women. When one of the women suffered a miscarriage, Jamie was pressed into service to help care for her. Instead of being disgusted with the blood and other issues that Ellie had to handle, he was intrigued. His previous experience was in seeing gunshot wounds and broken bones. Seeing the more positive side of Ellie's work and then helping with the woman helped him make a life changing decision. He told his father that night that he wanted to go to medical school to become a doctor who specialized in treating women and children. Ben was amazed at first, and then proud that his son would choose such a career. He suspected that Ellie and Adam would be quite pleased as well. He asked Jamie to hold his announcement until the whole family was together again.

"So you're happy?"

"Jamie, I am so proud of you. I will do whatever I can to help you achieve your goal, but I think the whole family would like to hear this and celebrate the news. We'll have a big dinner to celebrate the boys returning home, and then you can tell them your news too."

Unable to keep the news from Ellie though, Jamie started asking her all sorts of questions, and she unpacked some of her medical school books and began telling him what sections to read to begin. Soon they were studying Latin and German words so that Jamie would be more familiar with some of the terminology in the books. He had never studied either language and found them very difficult at first.

"Adam went to college. Does he know Latin and German?"

"No, Adam studied Latin and Greek, learned French so he could read the literature, and has a working knowledge of Spanish and some Chinese from Hop Sing, but I don't think he knows any German. We could work out some things to say in German when he's around though, and it will drive him crazy not knowing."

"He'll probably start studying German just because we know something he doesn't."

Smiling, Ellie had to agree. She began instructing Jamie in German. With the new house to decorate, visits with patients, and with teaching Jamie, Ellie hardly had any time to miss Adam until she went to bed at night. Then the room and the house seemed so empty. More than one night she found herself shedding a few tears before she was able to fall into a restless sleep. She had never thought she could miss someone so much.

On the day that Ben and Ellie were in the house and heard horses in the yard, Ellie ran to the door and was going to throw it open when she remembered Ben's admonition to her to be careful of anyone at the door. Despite her eagerness to see if it was Adam and his brothers, she waited until Ben came to the door and picked up his pistol before opening the door. He grinned then and quickly dropped the pistol on the credenza before offering Ellie the chance to run outside first. Hoss and Adam were dismounting and Cookie drove in with the wagon with Joe on the seat. Ellie rushed into Adam's arms, and the two kissed. Joe climbed down carefully from the wagon and Hoss handed him a five dollar bill. At Ben's cocked eyebrow, Hoss explained.

"I told him Ellie had better sense than to want to kiss a man who smelled like three weeks on the trail and with a growth of whiskers that could scare most women and children. I lost the bet." Ellie and Adam walked to the house parting at the washroom. By the time the others got inside, Ellie was bringing clean clothes to Adam. "Tell him to hurry up cause I got four weeks of grime on me needs washing."

"I will, Hoss. I'll even help him clean up."

Ellie disappeared around the corner with that comment but Hoss was left speechless at first. "That gal gets more and more like older brother all the time."

"Hoss, is that a problem for you?"

"Only if she starts trying to boss me around. Darn that Adam got bossy on the drive. He did get us to market without losing a single head though. Got a darn good price cause of the great condition they was in too. He made us stop a couple of times to let the herd graze. Said we could go faster by stopping. Now that was the darndest idea I ever heard but it worked. Not rightly sure how it worked, but it did."

"Hoss, it made sense. Cows with a bellyful and rested were easier to push along faster for the next week until he made us take another break. Worked for the men too. Pa, Adam was more like his old self on this drive after I got hurt. It was kinda nice and kinda irritating too. Seemed like old times." Joe ended with a smile letting his father know that he knew too that Adam was recovering from all the things that had happened to him.

"Joe, why were you riding in the wagon? Isn't your leg healed?"

"Oh yeah, but big brother here decided we could go faster if I rode in the wagon and older brother agreed with him. If I didn't get in the wagon, they said they'd throw me in there and tie me down. I decided to cooperate, but I'll get them for this."

Laughing, the brothers sat with their father telling him all about the drive and their version of events that Ellie had already described.

In the washroom, Adam was in the tub and Ellie helped him wash his hair and then held the mirror so he could shave. Once that was done, she held a towel as he stepped out, and dried his back for him before he grabbed the towel and dried the rest of him. Once he dropped the towel on the floor, she had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen next. Adam pulled her into an embrace and began what she knew would inevitably lead to lovemaking. She wanted him to go to their bedroom though and he didn't want to because the others were right outside. They compromised. Adam got dressed and went out to hitch up the carriage. They would take a ride to their new house to see the curtains Ellie had made and put up in the rooms there. It just might take them a long time to get back home.

As they were leaving, Ben reminded them that Hop Sing was preparing a big dinner to celebrate and they shouldn't be late. He smiled as Adam waved and snapped the reins anxious to get his wife to where they could have some privacy. Ben smiled and wished his other sons could find such happiness.

Up on a hill overlooking the ranch house, four men sat and watched. They were the men who had planned to rustle the herd. They never expected anyone to get killed. Two of them were Nate's brothers and the other two were cousins. They had fired low at Joe trying to knock him out of the chase but not intending to kill him. When he shot Nate causing him to fall among the stampeding cows, the other four had given up all plans for rustling, but the longer they traveled and talked, the more they decided that there needed to be some retribution. They had followed the brothers home hoping for a chance, but they had stuck together, and Adam had made them follow strict security. He said he had a hunch they were being watched, and after the earlier problem when they had not believed him, they decided to follow his advice. The drovers who came back with them were all in town celebrating with the first rounds paid for by the brothers before they headed for home. They would slowly find their way home and be ready for work the next day. The ranch had the least amount of men on it that it would have for months. The four rustlers had enough experience on a ranch to know that. They decided they would make their play that night.

Within an hour, Candy and Jamie were up at the ranch house too. The four rustlers waited for Adam to return for they assumed he would. They didn't want any surprises, and his return home could be the cover for them approaching the house without being seen especially if he took his time getting back with his wife. Once they saw Adam's carriage in the distance, they worked their way down through the trees intending to get into the yard behind the carriage and into the house right behind Adam and Ellie.

Once inside the house, Adam and Ellie quickly went to the table because it was clear everyone had been waiting for them and their patience was being taxed. At the table, Jamie couldn't hold back and announced his plans. Hoss slapped him on the back, and Joe reached across to shake his hand. Adam placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I haven't known you long, brother, but I am thrilled to know there will be another doctor in the family."

"Adam, don't you know some people in Stockton who have a son studying medicine?"

"Yes, Pa, and I'm sure they would help out. Maybe their son, Eugene, and Jamie could get to be friends. Jamie's going to be isolated in California during the winter unless he plans to go further away for school in which case we won't see him for a very long time."

Ben had not considered that Jamie might want to go to school somewhere other than California so he turned to him. "Jamie, have you thought about what school you would like to attend?"

"First I would like to go to school in California as you all have assumed. But then Doctor Martin says he knows of a school in St. Louis that might be where I want to go for more advanced training."

After bringing out dinner, Hop Sing brought out wine, and all except Ellie toasted Jamie's news. Adam asked her if she was feeling all right because he thought she liked a glass of wine with dinner occasionally.

"I do, but lately it's been giving me indigestion. Even a little brandy causes a problem ever since I got home from the drive. I think all that bacon and beans I ate made a mess of my stomach."

As they were about to dig in and eat, the front door crashed open and there was also a lot of noise from the kitchen. None of them had guns because they were all on the credenza. Four men with pistols were soon standing around the table. They took them one by one to tie them up until Ellie was the only one not tied.

"Now, first we want some money. Then we'll see what else we'll do about you killing Nate." With that, the leader laughed and then viciously backhanded Joe with his pistol leaving a gash in the side of his head. Joe's head dropped to his chest and then he fell stunned to the floor. "Where do you keep the money?" When no one answered, the man grabbed Ellie and put a gun to her head.

Ben answered. "All the cash we have here is in the safe."

The leader pointed at Adam. "Untie him so he can get the money. He's the one most likely to be worried about whether I put a bullet in her head."

Hoss and Ben tensed up as Adam walked to the safe once he was untied. They weren't sure what he was going to do but knew there was a gun in the safe and another in the top desk drawer. They wondered if he thought he could take on all four of these men. Hoss decided he could manage one even tied up. He looked at his father who nodded and looked toward a man standing just to his right. They would try to even the odds a bit if Adam made a play on the other two who were closer to him. One was right behind him with a pistol in his back. The other had moved into the center of the room still holding a pistol to Ellie's temple. Adam spun the dial on the safe to the right, then left, and then right. He pulled the door open and the man behind him turned to his friends with a smile. It didn't last long when the next thing he felt was a pistol in his back.

"Drop it!"

The man didn't but tried to turn back and knock Adam's arm away. It didn't work and it was the last thought and action he would ever have. Hoss and Ben used that moment to push up out of their chairs and knock the other two to the floor. Candy and Jamie quickly moved to help them. Even with their hands tied they were able to keep the pistols out of the reach of the two men.

"Stop!" The leader of the group screamed. He was pressing the pistol into Ellie's head then. "You try anything more and I'll kill her! I will!" The emotional desperation in his voice was palpable.

Ellie had tears running down her face. Adam looked into her eyes and his heart was breaking, but these men were not going to leave them here alive. If they got the upper hand again, he suspected they would all die. Adam raised his pistol and pointed it at the leader's head. He didn't say anything.

"You better drop that pistol or I'm gonna shoot her, honest I am." His statement got no response from Adam. He stared at a spot on the man's forehead as if he could guide the bullet there. "I'm telling ya, I'm gonna shoot her ifn you don't drop that pistol." Everyone in the room was frozen in place. The only movement was by the leader who did his best to keep most of his body behind Ellie. Hoss spoke up from the side where he and Jamie had their weight pressing one of the men to the floor.

"Mister, my brother Adam has a heart of ice when he wants to. He don't feel nothing right now except he wants to kill you. You kill her, you die. It's as simple as that."

The man's hand was beginning to shake with the tension. He stared at that pistol in Adam's hand and it didn't seem to waver in the least. He could almost imagine the bullet coming out of there and penetrating his skull. He had nowhere to hide. He began to think he needed to kill Adam before Adam killed him, and then he thought he would still have a hostage so that could work out for him. Adam saw the slight flinch in his hand and knew his plan was working. If it didn't work, he knew he would never be able to live with himself. As soon as the man moved the pistol to point it at Adam, he had to move Ellie slightly to the side so he could aim. Adam used that split second to kill him. There was still danger so he had to aim his pistol at the two other men and order them to untie his family and Candy. Once they were allowed to get up, they did that. Once the pistols were in the hands of his family and the two men were tied up, he went to his sobbing wife who was on her knees near the dead man. She had blood and brain matter splattered on her.

"Ellie, I am so sorry. Ellie, I didn't know what else to do. Ellie, please, I thought they might kill all of us, and I couldn't let them do that. Ellie, please, forgive me. Please?"

As Ellie reached for him, Adam gathered her up in his arms and lifted her taking her to their bedroom. He helped her remove her soiled dress. Then he poured water from the pitcher into the basin and soaped up a cloth to wipe her face before he carefully wiped any traces from her hair too. He rinsed the cloth in clean water and wiped away the soap residue. Grabbing a blanket from the bed, he wrapped it around her and pulled her to him as he sat in the leather chair so that she ended up on his lap. Ellie snuggled into his embrace but continued to cry softly. After about a half hour, there was a soft knock on the door, and Ben was there to see if everything was all right. Adam nodded. Ellie had fallen asleep in his arms exhausted from the ordeal.

"How's Joe?"

"He'll have a headache and when Ellie is able, he needs a few stitches in his scalp."

 

Chapter 8

"I had to weigh the odds. If I gave them that money, they would probably have killed Joe and maybe me and Hoss too. If I put down that gun, he certainly would have killed me and probably other members of the family. I had to gamble. I didn't think he would kill you. He didn't hurt you at all and didn't even tie you up so I thought he probably wouldn't."

"And if he had?"

"Then I would have killed him and he might have killed me. It wouldn't have mattered then because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself." Adam leaned against the fireplace and watched the activity in the room.

"Adam's right, my dear. The two who lived said that he planned to kill my three sons for causing the death of his brother. The man that Adam killed by the desk was his other brother. He would not have let Adam live. Sometimes there are no good choices, and we do the best we can."

"This is why Adam struggles so with those memories that returned to him. They always sound so clear cut when someone explains, but when you're actually in it, there are a lot of questions left unanswered. There is no right way to do it. I understand better now what Adam has been suffering. He's been questioning whether the choices he made were the best ones under the circumstances, but there's no way to change things and no way to know."

"Yes it is the moral and ethical ambiguity of violent situations that leave people emotionally numb afterwards. Adam killed two more men, and yet they would have likely killed some or all of us. What would have been a better solution? Was there even a better solution? No one knows."

Adam stood quietly as his wife and father discussed what had happened. He was still in shock a bit himself. He didn't know what he would have done if it had not turned out well for them. He remembered so well when his father had been held hostage for Farmer Perkins. He had gambled and won that time too, and he knew too that if he had lost that gamble, he would not have been able to live with that either and his brothers would never have forgiven him. He struggled again with the nature of good and evil, right and wrong, and the choices we all make that affect others' lives.

As Ellie finished the sutures in Joe's scalp, she cleaned the area again, applied salve, and then asked Jamie to put a clean bandage over the area. Exhausted by everything that had happened, she slumped down on a chair next to where Adam was standing. Hop Sing was finishing cleaning up the mess in the great room. The soiled rugs had been removed and would probably be burned. There was little other evidence of the violence that had occurred in the room only hours earlier. Joe leaned back on the settee once Jamie finished with the bandage. Hoss and Candy came back inside after getting rid of the rugs and sending some of the returning hands who were sober into town with the two prisoners and two bodies. They expected Roy to be out in the morning for the full story.

Hop Sing came from the kitchen with a tray of sandwiches and coffee. No one had much of an appetite but knew they should eat something. Once the food started to be devoured, everyone began to relax a little. Hop Sing watched from the kitchen doorway. He knew that sometimes the way to start getting back to normal was to make that first step. The sandwiches and coffee would likely help them relax. Then they would talk a bit more, and then they would sleep. By tomorrow, they would have gained some perspective on the situation. He had been tied up in the kitchen while all the commotion happened with his family, and he had been frantic with worry. Once he had seen that Adam had taken charge and ended the crisis, he felt much better. Not only was one crisis resolved without anyone he loved being hurt, but number one son had acted as he would have acted all those years ago before he had suffered through so much. He was back now, and even with the moodiness and bad temper he would inevitably display on occasion, Hop Sing knew the family needed his strength, courage, and intelligence. They would have it now. He would sleep better knowing that.

For Ellie, there was more to accept. She had seen an intimidating, dangerous side to Adam that she did not know existed. Now all the stories she had heard of him facing down men with guns and winning shootouts made so much more sense. The more vulnerable Adam that she had first met would not likely have been able to do those things. She wondered how their relationship might change now. She did feel safer with him standing by her side. She closed her eyes and sighed for even with that nap earlier, she was exhausted. When she opened her eyes and looked around the room, she realized that everyone there looked exhausted.

"As a doctor, I'm prescribing bed rest for the next eight hours at least for everyone in this room. As a wife, I would like my husband to please take me to our room." Smiling that little crooked smile of his, Adam reached for her hand and pulled her up beside him. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he guided her to their bedroom. Quietly they readied themselves for bed, and then Ellie snuggled up to Adam in the bed. He pushed her to turn away from him and she wondered what was wrong until he slid in behind her and wrapped an arm around her middle as he kissed the top of her head. They fell asleep spooning like that, and it became their favorite way to sleep.

The next morning, Adam got out of bed very carefully so as not to wake Ellie. He shaved and cleaned up a little and then purposefully made a little noise. Ellie stirred and opened her eyes just a bit. Adam leaned down and kissed her apologizing for waking her. She suspected that he had done it on purpose especially as his hands began roaming over her. She found him to be as gentle with her as always but there was a passion there that seemed stronger than ever and he was quite inventive that morning in things he wanted to do with her. Later as they rested, Adam suggested it was time to get up and dressed to join the family at the breakfast table.

"There's something I want to talk about with you first."

Thinking it would be about the previous evening, Adam closed his eyes and waited. Ellie said nothing so he opened his eyes to find her smiling.

"It's something good I think. When I got home from the drive, nothing happened. It should have happened, and it didn't happen in the three weeks since then either, and now it's been well over a month with nothing happening, and I thought I should tell you."

Frowning, Adam thought through the sequence of phrases and suddenly realized what she had told him. "Really? When will we definitely know?"

"Well I suppose in a few more weeks it will be absolutely positive, but I've noticed changes and I'm sure it already is definite. Are you happy?"

"I am ecstatic. A few years ago playing with Jake's children, I thought to myself that I would never have that experience as a father. Now I will. How far along are you, do you think?"

"Well based on everything that happened, if it's a girl, we might want to call her Aurora."

Puzzled for only a few seconds, Adam smiled. It must have happened in the little town of Aurora where they spent one night. He pulled Ellie into an embrace and kissed her. "Let's not tell the family right away. I would like it to be our secret for a while."

"Well, we can try, but your father keeps giving me these looks when I say my stomach is upset with certain foods and such. It's like he knows something is up."

"He probably does. He's been wishing and hoping for a grandchild for so long, he's probably been watching for signs. Now we're going to have to work on a nursery for the new house. Oh, this means the baby will arrive sometime near Christmas. What a great time of the year to have a baby here. We'll have lots of time together as a family."

The move to the new house, letting everyone in on their good news, and preparing to welcome a new addition kept Adam and Ellie busy for the next eight months. Christmas was a very special time as they celebrated their one year anniversary and welcomed a son into their family.


End file.
